Dreamland Review Archive

Rise of the Firstborn (CY)

Title: Rise of the Firstborn
Genre: Fantasy
Author: briizy98

Title: Rise of The Firstborn
Genre: Fantasy
Author: briizy98

Cover: 90/100
Right from the start, your cover conveys that an epic fantasy tale is ahead, and I love it! The only thing is that I don't exactly love the formatting of your title. The font is okay (but could be better), and the proportions of the words need to be adjusted ("Rise" shouldn't be quite so big compared to "Firstborn") And it's pretty close to the edges, which kind of bothers me. Maybe try breaking Firstborn in half if it won't fit.

Blurb: 80/100
The biggest problem with your blurb is the tense switches. Some of them make more sense than others, as when you're telling something that happened before the events of the book, but I like to keep most everything in present tense so it flows better and doesn't confuse readers. There were a few comma errors as well, so just watch out for those! I've fixed the errors for you:

It began with ice.

A relentless, bone-chilling tickle of frost that stretched over the lands of Axulran, crawling over the mountain crests and freezing the grassy meadows.

Frozen in time, the kingdom now fights for control over the region of Ellixus, paying no mind to the death and destruction they leave in their wake.

Cateline Bennet, a princess consumed with ice, finds herself lost in a foreign place with nothing but wits to survive. As she explores this unknown land, she unravels her past, learning that the magic she'd concealed for so long could unleash chaos capable of destroying the world as she knows it.

With untapped magic and some new friends, Cateline must defeat the enemies that threaten the world, otherwise they and all they know will crumble to ruin.

As you can see, I also changed the wording of a few sentences above as well as removing a few things such as the location of "Denzethea." I feel like the original was just a bit redundant in some parts, and with all the places it was a bit overwhelming. Feel free to use this edited version to revise your original!

First Impressions: 80/100
My favorite aspect of your writing immediately is your ability to create such captivating descriptions. But with your magical word weaving, you must be wary of repeating yourself. Nothing bores me more than reading sentences and sentences of things saying the same thing. Always try to keep your writing compact, without putting limits on your description. No need to shorten things, just make sure your not saying the same thing twice. And try to limit the usage of a word back to back as much as you can!

Quick note: A comment mentioned the incorrect use of "sunk" instead of "sank." Maybe you forgot, but I just thought I'd remind you!

Just a few instances in which the writing could improve:

"The rain was icy, hitting her at an angle and soaking her gown until it weighed nearly as much as she did."

This is an example of the wordiness that affects a lot of your story. Remember how I said to keep it compact, well it applies perfectly here. How about we make this sentence flow a little better by removing "hitting her at an angle and"? Well first off, does the angle of the rain impact the story? No. So I'd remove it because it just seems unnecessary. You could also change "She did" to "her" just so it sounds a little better and removes a word. Just some suggestions to keep your writing short and sweet!

****

"Shoes tattered and charred fingertips; Cateline knew something was terribly wrong."

I won't say that I'm an expert on semicolons so I won't critique your usage, but this sentence would make more sense if the first half was a complete sentence: "Her shoes were tattered and her fingertips charred;"

****

"Letting out a huff after gagging, she crossed her arms over her chest and looked around before taking a few more steps into the fog."

I feel like so much more could be done with this sentence. The first part seems a bit pointless and the rest is kind of just meh… (no offense) try to make the most of every sentence! I've done some rehabilitation:

"Cateline gagged. It took her a moment before she could regain her composure, and with a huff she stepped farther into the fog."

****

Okay, so as you've probably realized, all the above examples have been taken from chapter 1, which is by far the best. Maybe you haven't had time to revise the rest? It's pretty much the same for my own novel… so I can't really say much, but Chapter 2 seems less refined. Here's one example:

"It was difficult to overhear as the child cried out for her mother, but Cateline could decipher the matron saying Cateline needed water. 'Water would be lovely.'"

This sentence is very, very all over the place. And it also ties back to my note about redundancy, as well as serving as a perfect example of literal nonsense (again, no offense). I think your word choice could be better, and I don't understand how the matron could say that Cateline needed water if she didn't know her name (so a pronoun would've worked so much better). Fixed version: 

"It was difficult to hear anything over the child crying for her mother, but Cateline pieced together that the matron had asked if she needed water. "That would be lovely."

****

"Drained was hardly enough to describe Cateline's state. She was falling ill and couldn't support herself from the energy drain."

The above is another good example of two sentences pretty much saying the same thing, and using the word "drain" back to back. Remember to always try to keep sentences compact, especially if it helps you not repeat yourself. Fixed:

"Drained was hardly the word to describe Cateline's faltering state, her falling ill due to a lack of energy."

****

Okay, now that I've focused very intently on a few petty things, apply this to the rest of your story, and it'll definitely improve. Sure they're minor things, but they add up, and so do the good things!

So far grammar is pretty great, and I left a few comments where I noticed a mistake!

A quick note on dialogue: When the actual quoted words are followed by this thing called a dialogue tag (she said, whimpered, screamed) the quoted words should end with a comma, exclamation mark or question mark, and the following pronoun should be lowercase. For example:

"P-please," she whimpered to the source. "I want to go home."

If the quoted words are followed by an action or some kind of other unconnected sentence, they end with a period or exclamation/question mark, and the following phrase begins with a capital. For example:

"P-please!" She let out a whimper. "I want to go home."

Like I said before, the other chapters need some work, and I only really used 1 (and a tiny bit of 2) for this. Just keep in mind these tips and apply them when revising the rest!

Further Analysis: 90/100
You asked me specifically to judge the engagement and pacing of this story, both of which I think have already been nailed. Sure, the pacing is definitely slowed by the many, many descriptions, but I think you work them in perfectly! And the plot of the story certainly seems promising! I read the first couple chapters and so far it seems like the story is definitely headed places. The suspense is perfect, and your descriptions are still captivating, just be wary of info-dumping so your descriptions don't become long, dull, and hard to get through. Sorry I couldn't say much else for this category, but your story is truly amazing!

Final Notes: 80/100
Not going to repeat everything I just said, but this is a truly great and original story that is going places! Just keep up the work and I know you'll have an amazing fantasy novel in the very near future!

Thanks so much for choosing me as your reviewer, and always feel free to let me know if you have any questions (or if I made any mistakes, because I do…), and most importantly, keep writing!

—Cyprus S.