Dreamland Review Archive

Born In A Storm (Yin)

My suggestion, just get rid of the italics. Unless you can give me a good reason why you adopt such style, I’ll keep on telling you (I have told you this many times before) that the style is messy, and it doesn’t work.

I feel bad for not pointing out your grammar mistakes in the chapters. You have to know that you have too many grammatical errors. I’m so sorry to say that.

You really need to work on your grammar. I couldn’t even point them out. You have errors in almost every sentence. What you can do to better this? Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Then find someone who can proofread your book, find an editor, join book clubs. The thing with most book club is, most of the members disregard to actually point the bad apples. I can’t say much, because I failed to point out anything too. But I truly hope you get the help you need.

Now, you break the fourth wall all the time, it feels like I’m reading a nonfiction book.

Be careful with it, okay? You don’t want to always write metafiction in fiction. The term is different for a reason.

I know you said you like character description, but what you have written is too extreme. You use adjectives for almost every noun. That is excessive. You don’t have to describe the color of brows. Unless they’re a weird color like green, you don't have to even mention it.

You don’t have to redescribe the hair; first curly, then corkscrew coil(?).

Sporting curly large space buns which were literally the size of a shotput ball, heart shaped face, light green eyes, suiting my light bronze skin.

What is that? Is that a description of herself? Her friend?

Do you see how excessive your description is? I can barely understand it.

After this part, you have Nigerian dialogues (not sure what language) and translations. I liked it. Coz I do that too. What I can suggest you do to make it flow better is, add the description right after the language, not in a different line. It gets cumbersome to read the way you write it now.

You’re my best friend Jaz. It is supposed to have a comma right before Jaz. Always add a comma before you mention a name the way you write it.

CHAPTER 2
You break the fourth wall again, in a weird way.

Well, you would be half right.

That’s not an apt way to break it. Nobody (us) is saying anything. We’re reading your book, not talking with the character.

Later, you describe the house they moved into. The description of the house reads like I’m reading adverts from realtors. You’re not selling the house to the readers. You're describing it in a fiction. Don't need to be so specific like that. Scatter your descriptions here and there. If you don't NEED to describe something, don't describe it. Keep it for later. Don't describe everything in a bundle at one time. No matter how much you love descriptive writing, you should keep it low.

What is ‘colonial growth and despondency towards a completely other nation’? Are you trying to make her sound smart? That’s too sudden. She talks like a normal person in chapter 1.

‘Pink staining cream'. Another thing I don’t get.

And after this part, you describe eyes... again. Don’t you think you describe too much?

In this chapter, I realize you’re trying very hard to make her an indifferent character. It should be good because you do write good characterization, but the problem lies in your description, again.

Your writing is what I call a ‘trying-very-hard-to-prove-that-my-character-is-a-badass’ kind of writing. Don't try to prove it to us. You don't need to justify her personality. I do this because of this, I don't do this because it's typical, yada yada yada.

Who’s the guy who grabs her shoulder? Why he suddenly says: Because Marc asked us for a picture.

Who’s Marc? Why he suddenly says that?

And why things suddenly on an uproar when they were having the dinner? What happened? I know Lilly and Sam are not the best sisters, but I think it’s too much. The screaming and calling ‘thing’. It just feels awkward to me.

You use ‘swore colorfully’ several times. Is it something you say in your native language? In English, I think it’s a bit odd unless it’s a joke.

Now, she wouldn’t know the exact height of someone. How can she now the person who collides with her is four inches taller than her?

The description of the piercing is too much. You have too many ‘piercing’ in the same sentence.

What do you mean ‘...I would see her color of eyes soon enough'?

So, one time the person who falls is angry. Suddenly, she introduces herself. That’s very odd. There’s no transition from the angry point to the introduction point. And then she got angry again. Why?

So, there a plot twist here. She’s her childhood friend who doesn’t know her anymore. That’s actually quite nice.

Later after this part, Sam suddenly has some kind of anxiety attack, out of nowhere. Why?

She goes into the chemistry lab and meets new people. Again, you describe eyes here.

And I’m serious when I say this. After this point, I was lost. I didn’t know what happened anymore. I’m so sorry to say that I can’t understand your English, or specifically, your syntax. And it became too confusing and monotonous, that I couldn’t even try to reread it to understand.

MISCELLANEOUS:
You have way too many non-literary chapters. I don’t think you need to tell us that your story is character-driven. Why would you do that?

‘This book will make you cry.....’ etc.

I don’t think that’s a wise thing to say. Like others, you also have unnecessary Warnings. That warning is too self-absorbed, for the lack of better words.

You have an aesthetic chapter AND a character chapter. Why separate them?

So this is the part where I give you my opinion and advice. It depends on you to listen or not.
Let me give you an advice.

You should remember your own story by heart now. So what I suggest you do is, open a new document in Word, write all of it, again. WITHOUT reading what you have written. From the moment you write the story up to this moment, you must’ve read other books. You should’ve more experience as a writer now. Go on and write your story again. You’ll surely see the improvement.

You have strong character development. Your characters have a strong personality. They’re not cardboard characters. That’s the great thing about your writing.

When you tell us all about your not cliché plot, I thought something mind-blowing would happen. But it actually reads like the same cliche books I review sometimes. I'm so sorry for being blunt. But you have to know that. That’s why I said, don’t warn your readers about how different your book is, how none cliche it is. If you don’t tell us any of that, I don’t even mind about it being cliche actually. As I said, cliche doesn’t necessarily mean bad. But when you’re so outspoken about it, and make it seems like it’s completely different than other plots, it’s a given for me to feel disappointed when I don’t see anything new about it.

So my advice is, just get rid of all the induction about the story being different. It’s okay to write cliche.

And you really should do something about your description. Just because you describe every noun, doesn’t mean the writing can be considered as descriptive writing. Descriptive writing is art. It’s so hard to reach the equilibrium between what’s too much and too little. What you have is too much.

Just because you love something, doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Sometimes, you have to sacrifice what you love to have a better life. In this case, to get better better at writing.