Music is My Voice {DISCONTINUED}

Accepting Loss

"Next, we have Hinata Remi performing an original piece." I walked onto stage.

My dress catches a draft and flutters softly behind me. The midnight blue A-line, off the shoulder, dress that has a light dusting of embellishments to look like the night sky. With my heels clicking against the wood of the stage, I make my way towards the piano that is center stage.  This is my last performance for this year and part of my final grade.

Nervously I take a glance out into the crowd to see a familiar face. I see that my family is here, both the brothers, Ema, Mom and Dad, as well as my boys. I softly smile to my boys and look back to the piano. Taking a seat, I take out the hair pin holding my hair up. With the hair pin in hand my hair tumbles down and rest against my shoulders and back.

Placing the hair pin beside the music sheet's, I close my eyes momentarily and gather my breath. Calming my nerves, I place my hand on the keys and play.

 <3<<<3<<<3<<<3

Before Henry died, I was going through a bout of depression. This was the worst episode that I have had. I wanted to end my life because I could no longer handle the words from my peers and the distance from my family. The boys tried to help me all they could but nothing worked. Like true friends they never left my side and took me to the psychologists.

They thought I was doing better and that I was accomplishing alot. Even I myself thought that. I wanted to get better because my father said he was coming to see me. I wanted to be properly happy to see him, that's why I asked the school to see a psychologist. Then I got wind that my father wasn't going to make it.

I was down trodden naturally, but then my thoughts started waltzing away in my mind. How "He probably didn't even want to see me.", and "Why did I even bother." floated constantly through my mind. It got so bad, even some students caught wind and were making fun of me when the boys weren't around.

Eventually, I wanted it all to end.

It was a brisk Tuesday morning in October. I was about to take my own life when Henry busted down the door and held me close. He wouldn't let me go and kept my face in his chest and held me. It was autumn break and he wasn't suppose to be here. He was suppose to be heading to his families estate right now, but instead he is holding me close.

I don't question it.

When I realize that what I was about to do was going to take me away from this, I cried. I may hate those words and taunts from the other students, and taking my life may have solved my problems. 

But.

It would have taken me away from his hugs, his smile, his warmth.

It would have taken me away from him.

Then I thought about Michael and Augustus, how they were my first friends. All that they did to get me to talk to them. They annoyed the hell out of me, until I caved in. How, I was able to be a kid around them and they never said a thing. They allowed me to be serious, a goof, stubborn, and caring to them. Augustus and Michael took me for who I am.

Then, Henry came into my life.

It was at that moment, that I knew he held a place in my heart that ran much deeper than anyone else I knew.

I thought about him.

I cared about him.

I even, possibly, loved him. 

He was always there for me in ways that Aggie and Michael couldn't be. My rock in a storm of my own thoughts.

The rest of the morning, I held onto him for dear life and cried. Never once did he loosen his grip. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear, nuzzling his face in my hair, we never parted.

By afternoon time, Michael and Augustus came running into my dorm and we held each other. They were there for me.

Then, a week later, Henry took his own life the same way I almost took mine own.

It was the following week, to be more specfic it was my birthday. It took me a while to muster up the courage but that day I was going to confess to Henry. Figuring it was my birthday, why not. Unlike other people who want to change for the New Year, I like to save that change for my birthday.

In the morning I spent the time with Michael and Augustus. We tried getting Henry but he said he wasn't feeling well but would join us in the afternoon. Together we tried to see if we could help him but he just brushed us off. Not thinking much of it, we bid him to get better and left.

He was sick that whole week and spent of the time in the nurses wing. Eventually, he got better but nit healthy. They let him go back to his dorm to rest. We visited everyday we could while, he was sick, whether as a group or individuals. He appeared to be greatful, but when he was allowed to go back to the dorms.

He closed himself off.

In the afternoon, we tried to get him but before we could make it to the boys dormitories he sent a text saying that he went to the doctors. We left it at that because Henry was the type of guy to tell us what was wrong. By the evening I left the boys to check on Henry.

Going to his room, I had a bad feeling. Passing it off because I ate alot that day because we went on a food tour, so I thought it was my stomach acting up. When I got to his room, I knocked a few times but nothing. It was odd because he had music playing and that meant that he was in his room and awake.

I called out a few times, because he never leaves music on when he is sleeping or gone. Getting scared I started hitting the door. I caused so much of a ruckus that some people were leaving their rooms. 

Explaining to them the situation, they understood immediately because everyone knew that Henry always made sure everything was off. We finally got the door open and I pushed through the others. Walking into his room, I saw him lying their with a pool of blood around him and lifeless eyes staring at me.

They called the police and the head master.

Every thing after that became a blur and next thing I knew it I was in Japan with Ema.

I don't remember much except feeling numb and I couldn't stop blaming myself for what happened.  If only I hadn't been so caught up in my misery, I probably could have saved him, like he did for me. Those were my poisonous thoughts that took me back into depression.

Now, I know I couldn't have done anything; but still I wonder.

Does he know that I truly appreciate him, even to this day? 

<3<<<3<<<3

When the song came to an end, I opened my eyes unaware that I had closed them. Taking my hands off the keys, I look at the hair pin that Henry gave me. It was small and not very eye catching, but it held great significance to me.

Taking the pin in my hand, I hold close to my chest and stand. I take a step away from the bench and face the crowd. Looking at the crowd, I hear nothing but I see the emotions of those in this room. Bowing to the audience, I stand once again and make my way back stage.

Once I take a step behind the curtain, I collapse onto my knees and cry. Feeling 2 pairs of arms holding me, I know who it is and fall into their embrace. With my hands covering my face, I cry some more and except that Henry is gone. That even though he isn't here physically, he is still here with me in my thoughts and my heart.

"You have grown so much mein hase."

"What will we do without you. Kitten."

Laughing lightly, I wrap my arms around them and accept that my life has now changed.

And I will help all those people that felt like Henry.

Those that have been in the dark for too long and cant find a way out.

Those who can never seem to find the right voice but are crying out.

Any who want to be heard or cared for.

I will help those who are like me.

The lost and lonely.

The voiceless who can't  speak.

Because

Music is my voice.

And could be there's as well.