Helpless

33. Ain't no sunshine

John's POV

Katy's fragile body shook as defibrillator touched her once again. God, it wasn't her time yet. Let her live. I was breathing heavily, feeling like I could pass out anytime. I was still in a huge shock and I couldn't understand what was happening and the pain in my chest was just too overwhelming. I looked up at the monitor and I swear my heart skipped a beat when I saw her heartbeat returning to its slow, weak rhythm. I stood up as happy tears rolled down my cheeks. She was alive. Thank God. Just as I was about to walk into her room, her doctor stopped me telling no one can go inside. He led me to a dark room with a huge glass window which was showing Katy's room. I stood in front of it. My eyes laid on the nurse who was sitting in the corner of the room making sure that my girlfriend was okay 24/7. I watched everything but her. I wasn't ready to lay my eyes on the hospital bed and see her. I hid my face in my hands, releasing a flustered sigh. I hated feeling this way. Completely helpless, knowing the most important person in my life was fighting with death and I couldn't do anything to help her besides just be there for her and pray. A sob escaped my lips as memories of us started floating in my head. I wanted so badly to see her smile and hug her. Hear her damn cute giggle and never let her go. I rested my forehead against the glass trying to calm myself down and be stronger for her. But was it even possible to be strong in a moment like this? I watched her dying just an hour ago. I finally forced myself to look at her. My eyes laid on her face. Her short blond sweaty hair were stuck to her forehead, her eyes shut, the skin under them was in a dark brown color almost black. A nasal cannula was running under her little nose, used to administer oxygen. Around her was a lot of machines keeping her alive, watching her heartbeat and other life functions. Her arms, lying on the white sheets, were bruised from all the flexible tubes inside her veins. She looked much worse than hours ago. Her skin was pale almost white like everything in the room. Her cheek bones were more visible as she lost too much weight. She looked like just one little touch could break her. Her chest was moving up and down unevenly. Probably because some of her ribs were broken after so many lifesaving actions. I was angry not at her but at myself. It seemed cruel and unfair, especially when we had so many plans for our future. All I wanted to do was to keep her safe but I failed every time. I felt guilty because I didn't do enough to help her. I shouldn't go on tour leaving her alone for so many months. I knew she was in a really dark place again after what happened with Orlando but I was ignoring it. Instead of helping her, I kept pushing her away. Even when she was telling me she was okay, I knew the truth. She was always bad at lying but she still was doing it because she didn't want anyone else to worry about her which was worrying me even more. I may be overprotective but how am I supposed to be with her? She was hurt so many times and when I look at her, I wanna wrap the fluffiest blanket I could find around her and protect her from all the bad things in this world. She was just too good for us. She didn't deserve all the hate. She should be loved and treated right and that was my priorities but I wasn't around all the time. I just wanted her friends to watch her. Was it too much to ask? They were too busy having fun to notice she disappeared from their sight. If they paid more attention to her, she would be fine now. I sighed, gazing at her. I dropped on the chair in front of the window. I was looking blankly at the love of my life. I spent like that a week. Or two? I didn't even know. Watching Katy was my fucking routine now. She's never moved. They didn't let me in so I had to be there for her behind the wall. I couldn't stop the tears those past days and I felt like she wasn't there anymore. I heard the door open but I didn't look up. I felt someone's presence next to me.

"You look awful, John. I've never seen you like this." I heard a familiar voice making me look up. My eyes met with my older brother's gaze. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders giving me a hug. I sniffed dropping my head. I felt his curious gaze on me making a huge hole in my head. Carl has never seen me like this. No one has. It was new to me too. I've never cared about anyone in my life this much and that's why I knew she was different. Katy became my whole world the day I first saw her. I knew from the beginning that she was the one and that's why I was so into the relationship. I raised my head to see my girl even when I knew nothing changed. I stood up and walked towards the window. I rested my hands on the cold glass. Carl quietly stood up too and went out of the room without a word but I could care less. I let all the tears fall down from my eyes. Troy canceled next part of my tour knowing I wouldn't leave her anytime soon. Next days flew by and Katy was getting worse. She wasn't able to breath on her own and the machines were the only ones keeping her alive. I was a wreck and I looked horrible like I was dying with her. There was no longer meaning in my life without her and I've never known I would lose her so soon. It was too much for me and I was fighting with my own mind. I felt like it was killing me from the inside. Shannon laid her head on my shoulder as we were standing next to the glass. I wrapped an arm around her, resting my head on hers. The past days we were each other's biggest support, trying to hold on as long as possible. Katy was a huge part of our both lives and we just couldn't left her there. I observed her face slowly taking in every detail to not forget it. She looked peaceful like she wasn't in pain anymore. Her face softened and relaxed but it wasn't good for us. She was getting more and more far away from us every second. There was almost no chance for her to survive it.