I haven't been okay since Marie did that to me. I have been going over it, and over it, and over it, and over it, but nothing seems to be clicking. Nothing and I mean nothing comes to mind. It came out of left field for me. She was supposed to be my friend.
God this feels like falling out of love with her all over again. Expect this time I know she wanted to hurt me. Before it was a mystery. It was maybe she just couldn't reveal her feelings for me. Now... now it's she wanted to hurt me because I supposedly hurt her.
I got home an hour ago and I have food to eat but I can't. I started crying again. I hugged a pillow close to me because Rafael was still at work.
"Hi Tesosro," Rafael came in.
"Hi Honey," I cleared my throat.
"Oh Cole," he got on the bed with me. He hugged me tightly. "You can't keep letting this tear you apart. Shitty people happen in life. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here for you always," he kissed my head.
"It was like this last time. It was like this but this time... she lead me on," I turned to him.
"Cole, it's not. I'm here for you. You have so many loving friends who want to be around you. It's different."
"You're right. I didn't love her like I did last time. I love you this time. But god it feels so much worse."
"I love you Cole."
"Me too... There's a thing about Dylan's death I've always felt guilty for thinking," I laid on my back.
"What's that?" He rubbed my leg.
"That at least I know he didn't stop loving me. I hate to see when someone stops loving me, or when someone stops wanting to be my friend. You can just see those things, and there's something about that, that's so gut wrenchingly awful," I sighed.
"I don't think I can ever stop loving you. No matter how hard I would try."
"Thank you. I hope you know I feel the same way," I grabbed his hand resting it on my stomach.
"I hate seeing you like this. I hope you're at least a little excited for the Rangers game this Friday?" He put his other hand on my thigh.
"Yeah, I am. Don't think I'm not. I just- I just didn't mean to hurt her when I did! It still baffles me how people can be so cruel. I told her things I still haven't told other people. Even after your father, even after all that's happened. I thought she wouldn't hurt me," I shut my eyes.
"There are shitty people Nicole. It's awful and it sucks. I'm so sorry this happened to you," he hugged me close.
"I am excited I swear. But I'm still sad. I really thought we were friends."
"I know," he pressed his lips to my temple. "I know."
*
I was at work the next day, with Marie on my mind. It seems like everything I do just comes back to her and I don't know why. It's lunch time, so I got my things together and went to get lunch for Rafael and I. He told me he's going to be in his office today.
