Thanksgiving is coming around us. It means that it is Rafael's and I anniversary. It means it has been a year since I've got taken and never got celebrate my first anniversary with him.
It means I got pregnant with my rapist's baby. It means I haven't killed myself because of what happened which is shocking to me.
Rafael is good, so much better than he was before. He's walking less without a cane but I make him do it since it colder.
"Hey Tesoro are you making desert for tomorrow?" Rafael came down the stairs.
"Yeah I am. Why? What do you want?" I have been snapping more. I'm trying not to, but I wasn't here for last Thanksgiving and my hands shake thinking about it.
I was rolling out the dough when he grabbed me and held me close for no reason.
"Stop! Let go of me! What the hell are you doing!" I yelled trying to get out of his arms.
"Just shut up. I love you and I know you're freaking out or what ever because of this weekend. Because of this time of year. Because you can't stop replaying my father having his hands on you. I'm sorry about that and I always will be. But if you need me, I'm here for you. I'm here Nicole. Let me help you. I love you okay? I'm here for you, even though I know you don't want me to be." He whispered.
"I want you to be, but I tremble when I think of what happened. I'm trying to distract myself. I'm trying to pretend like it didn't happen, just so I can get through this holiday. He took the joy of having my first anniversary with you, away from me. I'm trying not to think about the baby. I'm trying to look forward to the weekend, but I am nervous, because I have never had an anniversary with a boyfriend. Like a serious one. I don't know what to do. I'm nervous that I'm afraid I'll start crying and make you feel bad. So please, let go of me," I begged.
"Colie, we don't have to go on this trip. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Please know that. I just thought it would be nice to do something for our anniversary. We don't have to. We can stay. I'll let you do what you need to." He stepped back. "But you don't have to be nervous. It's going to be okay."
"I do want to go. Just don't push me right now okay?" I started rolling the dough again.
"I won't push you and you know that. I will never do those things to you. I just want to help you. I've never been through this, and neither have you."
"I know, just let me bake, or help me please? Or turn on some music," I bit my lip. He did and soon there was no reason for talking. I didn't want to talk. He left me alone.
"That I'm skin and bone
Just a king and rusty throne
Oh, the castle's under siege
But the sign outside says 'leave me alone," I sang with tears in my eyes.
God I remember my first night there, so confused and cold. I remember reeling from that drug they gave me. I remember them breaking me in and laughing when I begged them to stop.
I thought I would be better than this. I thought I would be strong and putting this behind me. I thought I was going to be stronger but now I can barley go to my car without constantly checking over my shoulder.
I got myself to stop crying. I put the crusts with the filling in the fridge.
I got everything ready to just throw in the oven. We are having it Claire's house. I don't want to go. I just want to curl up and cry over it.
