I was up early on Monday. I want to go for a jog, but Rafael got home late, and I don't want to wake him up. But I want to.
You know what no, I need to get up and do this my self. I need to just push past it because I cannot rely on him the rest of my life. I need to be stronger for both of us.
I put on my running shoes and got my phone. I plugged it into my earphones, and started stretching.
I put on my favorite playlist consisting of Panic! At the Disco, and a little of country. I have such weird taste in music.
I got out, shaking a bit. I'm okay, I can do this. I'm going to be fine.
I got started and it was fine. Until the first song finished. After that, I started to notice the people staring at me.
I couldn't breathe. They are targeting me because I'm alone, aren't they? I turned around, and sprinted back home.
I got through the door and shut it behind me. I was doubled over panting.
"Cole? What's wrong?" Rafael came down.
"Shit I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" I couldn't breathe.
"No, I have to be in early," he sighed. "So what's wrong?"
"I tried," I took a deep breath. "I tried to jog alone, and I couldn't do that. I really couldn't do it. I was fine. I was for like a few blocks. Then I noticed people staring, and I couldn't do it," I headed to shower. I just needed to wash this morning off.
"Can I join you, or do you want to be alone?" He bit his lip.
"Join me," I smiled. He followed me, obviously happy he could join me.
I stripped down and got into the shower. He got in with me. I leaned into his touch.
"I love you," he kissed my head.
"I love you too," I shut my eyes. "I thought I could do it. I couldn't. I really did but I had force myself to run."
"You shouldn't do that. You can take your time. You are better, and you just need to take your time. Piece by piece you'll get there. You are not the same person and no one expects you to be."
"It's just every other piece is falling into place but this little handful."
"I know. You take your time, there is no rush in making you, you again. These things take time. Don't be angry at yourself for it," he rubbed my back.
"Well I'm angry because it sucks. This really sucks. I hate not being me. I hate having to depend on so many things."
"Like what?" He grabbed the shampoo.
"Therapy, wine, whiskey, sunlight because I'm becoming afraid of the dark, and you." I washed my body.
"You're not dependent on those things. You just are using them to help you." He kissed me.
I finished my shower before I got out.
