Chapter 9 - On fire

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We didn't go to Stonehaven. We went to the new house and found the entire bedroom had been somehow set up in the past day. The bed was there, a mattress, a new bedspread, a small sofa in the corner, and rugs across the ground warming it up. Antonio left us alone upstairs, staying downstairs and saying something about how he was going to chop wood outside, and we made quick work of getting suits and dresses and other things off.

Nick was laying on the bed waiting for me when his face drained a little. I turned to look at him as I carefully slid the wedding dress over the sofa and found his eyes locked on my stomach.

"What's wrong?"

"I can see it now."

I followed his stare down and saw that he was right. My stomach was full of food and apparently it'd done something to push that hard lump out a bit. I might have mistaken it for gas another time, just being bloated, but now that I knew what was there it was impossible to mistake it for anything except what it was. I went to the mirror nearby, ignoring my nakedness and focusing on it.

It was there all right.

Nick came to join me, one hand joining mine as he tentatively touched it. The second he did, he withdrew his hand, like my stomach had burnt him. "You wanted me to be honest, yeah?" Nick asked, suddenly, stepping back a fraction.

"Always."

"I don't know if I can do this." At the look on my face he hurried on, "I mean, Clayton and Elena were talking to me about it. To be careful with you, to not be too rough during sex, that we might need to stop having sex altogether till after the baby and then we might have to wait, and ..." He hesitated. "And that you can't defend yourself. Now. That's my job now. You can't be expected to fight while you're pregnant and I have to stop you."

"You just want sex?"

"No, I just... I just don't know if it's a good time for us. You're being chased around by some mutt who thinks he's powerful, Matt will need you, we're not even really settled in this home yet, and this will change our entire life. You can't defend yourself now, Liz, you can't even carry heavy things.  A baby will change everything."

"Marriage wouldn't?" I was starting to feel angry, rage building, my breathing a little faster. "You think it wouldn't change my life? Or my body? That I enjoyed throwing up everything at the smell of onions or enjoy the idea of my body being opened up as wide as ...well, wide?" I couldn't think of something to describe, too angry, so I just went over it.

"That's what I mean. We're young. We could wait a while. Wait till Matt is settled in, till those mutts are dealt with, then we can try for a real baby. If you want a baby, I can try, but it's too soon." He was really uncomfortable as he said this, as if he knew how bad it sounded, but Nick was clearly just as uncomfortable with the reality. "A few years..."

"Nick, I'm pregnant right now. With a real baby. It can't just be put back on the shelf for a few years like a book you get bored with."

"You don't have to be. It's still so early, not even really a fetus, it wouldn't be hard to ...well, just wait. It's not a good time and it wouldn't be fair to a baby either. Or to Matt. He'll need you all the time when you find him."

My teeth clenched as he said that, so hard that I had to release them, crossing my arms. He was suggesting i abort the baby. Because it was a bad time for him. Some smaller voice was trying to agree, trying to remind me that I wanted him to be honest about his feelings even if I didn't like them, but the anger overwhelmed that voice. After all I'd lost, after all the people I'd seen killed, I wasn't going to kill a baby even it wasn't 'really a fetus' yet. I was already yanking clothing on as fast as I could, not bothering to worry about what was warm or not, deciding that I'd spend the night at Stonehaven. So what if we'd just got married? Why couldn't he say this tomorrow night and not ruin the day with this?

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