LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 1

Discovering Who We Are

By AmericanIdiot811

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I grew up in the sunny state of California. Living on a military base was hard; Always having to leave, and be left. I grew up with a homophobic father, I was told that being LGBT was made up, and people just did it for attention. And I guess I kinda believed it to.

I remember in fourth grade, I may say that I had my first "girl crush." In all truth, that year was foggy. But I remember... Feeling something. Of course I told myself it was jealousy. I don't know.

In 5th grade, once my thoughts said to me, "You like Meghan." (A girl from my class). But I forced the thought into the back of my head. Surprisingly, I never really thought about it.

Then came the divorce. My dad... He cheated on my mom, and well, beat her. Oh god, did I hate him. I had never been more angry in my life. I didn't even get told we were leaving- I was simply told to grab my bags, and we would be leaving. Couldn't even say goodbye to my friends. Washington came. A new school. New friends. New life.

As Twenty One Pilots would say, "Someone stole my car radio, and now I sit in silence." The song fit me. I didn't have 7 days a week of dance, nor the same connection to reading, and I had more feelings bundled up. Thoughts of sadness, anger, and confusion wound up inside me. Crushing me.

I seemed fine. I went to the school and seemed like a "normal" girl. A boring wallflower. It wasn't until October (I moved in September) when J really started to question my sexuality.

Her name was (Let's go with) Rose. Rose was so dazzling. She had the structure of a model, and the cutest personality. Why did I start having a crush on a girl? And why then?

I started getting louder. I became the class clown. I needed people's approval. I need to look happy. Fake it until you make it, I would mutter under my breath. And I didn't like her until we had formed an emotional connection after we became friends at dance/school.

December came around and I still liked her. I hid my feelings inside me. I pretended to be as straight as a ruler. I told myself I it was just a faze. But something told me it wasn't.

That's when I came across the term "biromantic." I thought that was what I was, but like always, hid it. That was when the sexual fantasy's, the smut, and porn happened. I found myself drooling over men and woman. But I didn't know how to say what I felt, because I was scared. Too scared to say it to myself.

I continued to crush on the girl. Telling myself it was nothing but just a friendship. And then came my second girl crush. Like my normal male crushes, this lasted 2-3 weeks.

But I realized that I was into girls and boys. The same type. I laughed to myself at this realization. Liked athletic boys, and feminine (but athletic) girls. Oh gods I was getting to far.

This also helped me realize my religion. I identify as an atheist. Just don't seem to BELIVE in God anymore. I'm not sure if it was because I was forced as a child, or if it has been forced back in my heart.

I came out last week. In the strangest of places.... The girls locker room! We were turning in locks, and it kind of just blurted. So I told my closest friends, and the people in the locker room. Another came out as bi, and now she just gays up the place. But I- I'm still nervous. I tried to tell me friends and it took me a whole 5 minutes. I asked myself, Was she faking? Being so open so quick?

I'm not sure when I want to be open. I'm not sure when I want to tell my parents. Most people at my school are cool about the LGBT+ Community, which is lucky for me.

I've never been so scared in my life. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to speak my mind. I don't even know how to talk to it with my own best friends without feeling completely uncomfortable. And people have been asking me if I was... Even before I came out!

I've never really fit into a crowd. I wasn't a tomboy. I wasn't too girly (maybe a little). Not emo. Not goth. Not a nerd. Just an obnoxious Fangirl/Drama Geek with a passion to write, and is a major pervert.

I don't fit into the stereotypes. But I realized- I don't need to. The best thing about coming out was: I'm still me. Still an awkward American Idiot. Still the fun, perverted friend willing to climb a building if I love you enough.

I don't need to change. I need to be me. And maybe one day I'll gain the courage to tell Rose... Maybe even kiss her. Maybe I'll have the bravery to tell my mom, or people at my school who don't know me too well. But for now, I'm doing what's right for me. And that's all that matters.