LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 1

Defining Myself

By snlwrites

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I've never questioned my sexuality before, and I was never educated on the LGBTQ+ community until my first year of high school.

I've always liked boys, and trust me it will never change.

It all started with her. She came out to me as Demi-sexual in the beginning of our friendship. I was very accepting.

Later, around October, she went away for the weekend to go visit some friends. She and I texted every day, so not texting with her while she was gone felt weird. I got a weird homesick feeling in my stomach, it was like a longing feeling.

I still wasn't questioning myself until December rolled around. She went to Florida with her family, and the longing got worse. I couldn't sleep at night, because I missed her so much.

That's when I realized that there's something going on here. I started to realize that I don't just like boys. Sure, I wanted to date her because she's so amazing and inspiring and beautiful, but I didn't want sex. I started looking up things and it came down to two things. I was either bi-romantic or Demi-romantic.

When school started back up again in January, I easily got jealous when she would talk to other girls. It would make me really upset, and I would hate myself for that reason.

In February, I decided it was time. I remember my fingers shaking hitting that send button. I would read the message she sent but I'd take so long to respond because I was afraid she would judge me. But it's silly, I know she wouldn't judge me, she's not straight.

I told her that I was starting to question myself. She was very understanding. I told her I had a crush on a girl. When she asked, I chickened out and told her that I didn't exactly feel like saying who. She said it was totally fine.

After I told her everything, she gave suggestions of what I could be. She said I might be bi-romantic.

I believed that for awhile, until I started having mini crushes on some of my other girl friends.

We got closer than ever, and then after spring break, the unthinkable happened. She told me that she liked this other girl, and she found out that this other girl wasn't straight. I remember telling her to go for it, ask this girl out.

She did, and she kept me updated on every single move while I was secretly one my phone in math. My heart was pounding, I was so scared, but so happy at the same time.

At the end of the day, it was official. They were dating. I remember going up to my room, trying to do health homework. The tears dripping down my face. I was devastated.

A few weeks go by, and I get to know her girlfriend more. She's really nice, I would hate myself if I did anything bad. I can see how happy they are together, and I'm so happy. But deep down, it still hurts.

A few days ago, my best friend slept over. We told each other things we haven't told anyone else. I was gonna tell her that I liked her. But no, once again I chickened out.

Later that night, I tickled her to death. It was hilarious watching her struggle against me. It felt amazing.

That night, when we went to bed, I remember looking at her as she was sleeping. She looked so beautiful, and I whispered "I love you."

It breaks my heart to see her with someone else, but I can see how happy she is. I don't want to take that away from her.

She's amazing, and I hope that she knows that ❤