LGBTQIAP+ Milestones: Book 1

Our (Past) Music

By Meroo - meroothelion

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My nickname is Meroo and I am 15. I am musically-inclined (am a pianist) and I had been pansexual for as long as I remembered. Now, how did I know that I am a pansexual? Well, I guess I'll be telling my story now, even if writing this makes me nervous. My first small crush was a boy whom I dubbed as Mushroom. He was cute, and I have a thing for cute boys. But I was only five back then, so the feeling was not serious. My second crush, however, was a girl. But unlike the boy, my feelings for her was stronger. For three whole years, I swooned over her. It was at that very moment that I questioned myself, "Am I gay?" Being raised by a religious family, it is most definitely wrong and a sin to be homosexual so I kept the feelings closeted. I thought I was gay.

When we were both twelve, she found out about my feelings for her, and trust me, it's not good at all. As fast as a tornado destroys a city, the news circulated in my class and everyone isolated me. For a whole year. I became quiet, but I'm lucky to have a group of four friends who understood and love me for who I am. With the desire to become straight again, I got myself into two online relationships with two different boys. And believe me, I regretted it. So, I cut myself.

When I turned thirteen, I met this girl who happened to be a violinist-cum-pianist during a club activity. She was, in her own way, breathtakingly beautiful. She was a very straight girl so I knew that I have no chance and that this would be an unrequited love. Again, I find myself questioning if I am gay or not. What did I labelled myself then? "I like people, not gender." One night, I stumbled upon the word 'pansexual' whilst emailing my friend, Michelle. Turns out, she was a pansexual. And so, like rubbing pool water away from your eyes, I saw myself as a pansexual.

For two years, I was deeply in love with her. One of the things that I enjoyed so much was playing the piano with her. I love the way she plays - like caressing a baby's head. I am in love with her music, with her beauty. One day, I found courage and I asked her if she had a crush on anyone. And guess what? She did, on a guy, as expected from straight people. Sure, my heart broke, but I managed to straighten myself and told her that I'm happy for her, even if I'm not.

It has been two months - two months since I moved on, two months since I stopped loving her. I am happy with my decision to move on albeit, because a. I learned to be stronger, and b. She gave me a vacant space in my heart for someone new. When she rejected me indirectly, I moved on. What's the point of chasing something that does not want to be chased? By now, I have fully accepted my pansexuality and my classmates finally accepted me for who I am. From her, I moved on, and look where I am today - happier than before. I stopped cutting and I have an amazing girlfriend, my first real relationship. She is the one who made me stop cutting myself and always motivating me. I'll share my music with her as we walk down the bumpy roads ahead of us, forever and always, if possible.

No matter what adversities you face, you should always be strong. If the love calls for you to let go, then let go. Because after the rain, there is sun.