Not Ready

≈Chapter XLV :

I let escape the breath that I was holding and sat down. I was happy that the staff was taking well care of the grass. You could almost want to do a picnic here, but it was a cemetery so yeah...You got the picture, right ? 

I raised my left leg and put my left arm on it, and looked at her picture. She was so pretty. Her smile made me smile. But it quickly disappeared when I realized one more time that she was no longer among us. I missed her so much. 

I cleared my throat, "You're surely wondering why I came today, huh ? Mainly when I could've done that before. Well...I'm sorry. It's just that...I couldn't do it. I could't come and see you, not like this. Of course, I know that I was going to bury you one day, but...it happened so suddenly and so fast. I wasn't ready to go through this in addition of everything that was already occurring. You want to know why I came today ? " I waited for a few seconds, like if she was actually going to answer me. But I knew it wasn't going to happen. 

I chuckled, "Yesterday after I spent the whole day at Six Flags with the fam, I all of sudden got a memory of you running through my mind and...I was about to call you, thinking that it's been awhile since we shared a conversation and then...I remembered...I remembered that you were...gone." I looked down at my hand, "I regret everything, you know." I looked up at the tomb, "I regret the way I acted with you before the accident. We already wasted seven years and instead of being smart and really took advantage of my new found freedom, I preferred to be childish and be so rude to you. You didn't deserve it after all we've been through. Everything could have been better. We could've worked it out. I'm so sorry."

I stayed silent for a couple of seconds, "If we're cool uh, it would be nice of you to send me a sign. I don't know, just something. You could come to speak in my dreams." I frowned, "No...it sounds creepy." I laughed quickly, "Do you like Docia for me ? I know she's a little older than me --well that's what she's been saying-- but I do really like her and I can see myself building a future with her. Yeah, I'm talking about marriage and children. I hope they'll look more Asian than me. That's what you always wanted, right ? " 

I stayed there and talked with my mother for a hour and as the time was going, the weather was getting warmer and the sun was shining more and more, what seemed like a sign to me actually. Something was telling me that she was trying to send me that sign I asked for. All my demeanor appeased and I felt happier. 

"Well, I have to go, but don't worry I'll be back soon. I won't come every day, but I'll pay you a visit here and there. You know how I feel about cemeteries. But now, I'm gotta go. I'm gonna be off probation officially. Yes, I did it." I grinned, wondering if she was proud of me. This same something was telling me that she was.

I was finally and officially free today. I couldn't believe that I respected the rules the whole year, but I did it. And now I was being recompensed for my good behavior. I won't miss Mr. Collins. Nope. And I promised to myself to never go back to jail. I won't go through all of this ever again in my life. 

"I love you, mom."

~*~ Docia ~*~

"Do you still want to do this ? " Yemi asked me as she sat next to me on my couch. This girl didn't feel like going to work today, so she called her cheating ass boss and told him that she was sick so she could chill all day. But why would you do that if you wake up early in the morning anyways ? She came here, knocking on my door like a crazy person, at six A.M and got me out of bed. She was lucky she was my best friend or else I would've killed her. 

"Yes. And now I found the partner, so I guess that I'm really ready for it this time."

She hummed, "Did you already talk about this with Dorian ? Do you know if he wants kids ? And maybe that..." She trailed off, not knowing how to express her next words.