Not Ready

≈Chapter VIII :

Five minutes later, RJ stormed in with Lani behind him. He had a knife in his hand, that made me scream thinking someone was there to kill me. It took me two minutes to realize it was him, "Are you alright, Do ? "

"Can you not walk in this room with a knife, please ? I almost shit on myself." I said wiping my face. 

"Are you crying ? " Lani asked sitting on the edge of the bed, "What happened ? " She checked on me like she was my mother. 

I slightly pushed her off me, "I'm...good." I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. 

"Are you...sure ? Why were you screaming no, no, no like that ? Was it another nightmare ? "

I sighed getting frustrated with the whole situation. Back in prison, I was having nightmares too, but they weren't as frightening as the ones I was having right now. When I got out, it kind of stopped, but last Friday, that's when everything started again. Since then, I had planned a schedule to sleep in the afternoon because I was never having nightmares during the day, only the night. So, I was taking a nap at two p.m every day and for five hours, then I managed to not get tired during the night. But doing this for one week was too much and I fell asleep while reading one of Laylani's books last night. 

"Did you...talk about it with your therapist ? It can help. I'm sure she will know what to do to make you feel better and to stop them too."

"Lani, it's not that simple." I said shaking my head and looking into space. 

"That's you who is making it more complicated than it should be, Do."

I narrowed my eyes at him getting irritated, "Shut the fuck up, please. You don't know what you're talking about ! " I began to raise my voice, "Can y'all get out now ? "

They shared a glare and slowly left staring at me like I was an animal in a zoo. They couldn't understand it. Nobody could. And they couldn't help me. Not even the therapist. I felt like it was already too late for me. These demons inside me were eating me alive and nothing could stop them. They were winning and that for awhile now. They had the upper hand and I was sure it was impossible to change that.

I bit on my bottom lip thinking about Dr.Khimona and the way I acted towards her yesterday morning. I felt bad for that, actually. The lack of sleep and all that mix of strong emotions were getting the worst of me. She didn't deserve me to raise my voice at her like that. She was just trying to help me. 

I sighed and grabbed her card on the nightstand. I wanted to call her right now, but I knew I couldn't do it since it was too early, so I put the card down. I made a mental note though before to get out of the bed and headed to the bathroom. I undressed and hoped in the shower. Soon, the warm water was flowing on my body and I let it relax my tensed muscles. 

I put my back against the wall and slid until I was sitting on my butt, still with the water washing me. I put my head in my hands and allowed my eyes to let some more tears get out. 

I wasn't feeling good and at all. I knew that. But I couldn't see myself going to someone to get some help. It's not like I didn't want to, but I knew it was unnecessary. I was already way too gone. And I felt like it was the best to just...let myself getting destroyed, because at end...I will only feel better. 

Destruction is the one and only beginning...for some constructions. 

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I was in the kitchen cooking some pasta, when my iPhone 6 started ringing. I got the phone on Monday, with the money my mother gave me and I also did some clothes shopping. I pressed on the screen and put the phone to my left ear.