"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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Naomi November 11th, 2010 Manhattan, New York
"I wanna tell the truth to you I wanna talk about my days as a youth to you Exposing you to all my demons And the reasons I'm this way I would like to paint a picture But it'll take more than a day It would take more than some years To get all over all my fears Preventing me from letting you see all of me perfectly clear"
A live band played "Endless Love" by Diana Ross, as the dance floor in the event hall started to fill with couples, holding each other close and slow dancing. There were bushels of cream and pink roses throughout the room— along the walls, hung from the ceiling, on all the tables. It wasn't a big reception but it was still beautiful, and most importantly, love was in the air.
I was seated alone at my assigned table, babysitting a glass of bubbling champagne and a slice of cake, and watching everybody else enjoy themselves. I was happy for Auntie Cam, she was in love and looked like she was floating around the room. Her and Elijah were a picture perfect couple, their ceremony was so beautiful, there wasn't a dry eye in the church. Even Steph cried, like literally weeping like a baby, and she never cries.
My wedding date was off somewhere with one of the other groomsmen doing God knows what, and I honestly didn't mind because he's been clinging to me all day, trying to parade me around the reception like I'm his girl or something. After Auntie Cam brought Zane to the salon, I kept my word and went on a "date" with him. It was nice, he took me bowling and then for Thai food. We had a good time but he seemed a little too into himself. I've dated Chris Brown so I know cockiness when I see it. It was a turn off. Not that I was looking to be turned on either way.
He tried to go on a second date, but I was obviously too consumed with other stuff and I turned him down. I kept my word and hung out with him once, I wasn't obligated to do it again.
The next time I saw him was at the rehearsal dinner and I only spent time with him there, throwing back drinks at the bar, because I was trying to distract myself from the fact that my mother was right across the room.
By the end of the night I was halfway drunk and my emotions were all over the place, I messed up and let him give me head in one of the bathrooms at the restaurant. It was good in the moment but I didn't want it to go any further, and I was taking that to the grave.
Being around my mother during this whole wedding process has been complicated. We're both bridesmaids so I didn't really have a choice. Last night, at the bachelorette party, I got tipsy and stupid and actually thanked her for my birthday gift, but as soon as she tried to keep the conversation going, I had to walk away. I wasn't ready to deal with that, I'm dealing with enough right now.
"I think you're next." I turned my head, pulled from my own thoughts, when Grandma sat down in the chair next to me. I smiled a little, lifting my glass and sipping. She'd been out on the dance floor with Dutch for at least half an hour, dancing around like she still got it.
