"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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chris
"I don't wanna see you no more 'Cause every time I see you It's a different excuse why you can't be here I don't wanna be here no more 'Cause I feel like I'm wasting time being too emotional I'm not your option, I'm not your baby Hear what I'm dropping, driving you crazy We ain't working towards nothing Swear that we something Everything's probably nothing Everything's in the air"
Heat crawled up my neck and down my back, like somebody lit a flame inside me and left me to melt. Anger...I felt nothing else. I never wanted to be further away from her than I did right now.
My vision blurred a little as I stared straight ahead at the TV on the opposite wall, watching the scenes change even though I wasn't hearing none of it. I was trying to control myself but I already knew what it felt like when I got this mad. Mad enough to kill if I could.
Once the colors on the TV all started to blend and look distorted, I dropped my head in my hands and breathed for the first time since she answered the question I regretted even asking. I heard her call my name but I shook my head and just held one of my hands up to stop her. The "shut the fuck up" was on the tip of my tongue and if she was anybody else I would've screamed it at the top of my lungs.
For a few minutes I ain't move at all, and the only sound that penetrated my rage was CJ's voice making little innocent noises. I forgot he was even in the room for a second, but as soon as I was reminded, I slowly picked my head up and pulled my bottom lip in my mouth, thinking about what my next words were. I didn't want to even look at her, so as I spoke, my eyes were still focused across the room.
"On Sunday...you said he wasn't your boyfriend."
She breathed hard, like she was the one annoyed, and the small action irritated me enough to almost make me snap on her ass. This girl really thought the world revolved around her and how she was feeling on any given day. And that shit was my fault. I made the whole world about her for our whole life and it ain't help that she was already a spoiled ass brat before our relationship.
"I know."
"So you lied to me?"
"No, I didn't lie." The whiney tone in her voice pissed me off. I stood up off the couch and started to leave the room. I wasn't sitting around to listen to her bullshit. I was trying really hard not to disrespect her. "Chris, come on!"
"Come on what?! You got what you wanted right? You got even with me, congratulations!" I didn't even turn around to face her, but I could feel her following me. I almost made it out the room before her small, soft hand gripped my arm, trying to drag me back towards her.
"That's not what this is about C, I swear to God. When in our relationship have I ever tried to intentionally hurt you?" I didn't need to look in her eyes to know there was tears in them. Her voice cracked the same way it did every time she cried, and she sounded like the 4 year old girl I met 14 years ago. Breaking down like a little baby. For what? Nobody did nothing to her. But she can't fucking help herself.
