"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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Naomi January 23rd, 2009 Harlem, NY
"I know I'm a selfish bitch But I want you to know l've been working on it I know it don't matter I know it don't help you heal no fuckin' faster Yeah, I know I know l've been nothing short of a disaster"
"You tryna make Chris suicidal or something?" Dutch dropped my hand back in my own lap after he finished examining the engagement ring on my finger. I watched him shake his head in obvious disapproval, before he crossed his arms over his chest and shot me a long look of disappointment. "You not deadass 'bout to marry this nigga, Nae."
"Why not?" I was asking, but I already knew the answer. I knew I had no business with this ring on my finger. I love Kyle, I do. I care about him deeply...but I wasn't even sure this is what I want. For obvious reasons. "He...he asked me...and he loves me. He's a good man, Dutch. We fit together."
"That's whassup, if you fit together then keep doing what you been doing. Date him. But why would you wanna get married? You only 19."
"I had a baby when I was only 18 and nobody else was worried but me. Why is this any different?" I watched him sigh, licking his lips quickly and just staring back at me. The flat glare told me exactly what he was thinking, he didn't even have to speak. "Because it was with Chris?"
"Nae-"
"I tried Dutch. I did everything except got on my knees and begged him to stay with me. Unless you want me to try that, then I'm just trying to get on with my life." As I spoke, I looked down at the ring sadly. "Trust me, I want us to be together as much as you do. But...it's over. I know I'm moving fast...I'm not stupid. But maybe this will be good for me. Maybe this something we'll look back on in a few years and know it was the right decision."
"I think you tryna make yourself believe that, Nae. Not me. But if you feel like this is the best thing for you and your child then what you want me to say?" He shrugged, cracking his knuckles. "He a good dude...he probably gon' be a good husband. If you happy, I'm happier."
"I'm happy."
"Then congratulations, shorty. You gonna be a fly ass bride and a bad ass NBA wife." I finally laughed, playfully rolling my eyes at his goofiness. "So when you gon' tell him?"
His question made my smile disappear right off my face. The first and only thought I had after Ky proposed, was all about Chris, as strange as that sounds. I could barely sleep that night thinking about how I was going to say these words to him. All our lives, we only thought about marriage in relation to each other. I never saw myself at the altar with anybody else, and I know he didn't either. Even before we started dating, sure I fantasized about my wedding, but my dream husband was pretty much faceless. Since we've been together, his face was the one I saw as my groom in those fantasies.
