"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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Naomi
"I wonder who that nigga that's keepin' you warm I wonder if you still feel me in your core Or are you just frontin' to even the score? Like you don't love me no more"
"You done got yourself in some shit now, little girl."
It was after hours at the salon, and once we closed up shop Auntie Cam had Steph speed over from my moms salon in the Bronx with some champagne to celebrate my test results. I passed my exam, and I was officially licensed to do hair in New York. It took a few days after my actual test for the results to come in, and I was happy, but I was being pulled in so many directions emotionally.
Kyle has barely spoken to me since that day. It's been four days of one word text messages, no hugs or kisses...he barely even acknowledges me at school. He said he needed some time to think about how he felt about all this, but I wasn't sure what good that would do for us at this point. I know he feels like I lied to him, which I technically did, but what would anybody else do in my position?
If Chris was a normal guy, I could be forthcoming and honest about him, but he isn't. Nobody new in my life knew who he was because I didn't want to put anything at risk. I thought he would understand, but when I said that all he heard was me saying that I don't trust him, which isn't true. Either way, he needed some time to himself and I had to give it to him because I was in the wrong.
Don't even get me started on Chris.
He wasn't happy at all to hear that Kyle found out about him. He somehow tried to blame it on me, but how was I supposed to predict that CJ would just start speaking all of a sudden? That led to us arguing, and I honestly didn't have any fight left in me. He left our conversation at agreeing to sit and talk when he got back to New York, and maybe that's best. So I'm supposed to see him tomorrow morning.
The bright side is, in all of this, I'm not pregnant. Steph was right after all, my cycle was just a little off because of my birth control. I took two tests in the house, one at the doctor...and a few days later my period came.
So I guess have two things to celebrate.
"Is this my fault, Auntie Cam? Should I just have told Ky?"
"Girl, hell no it ain't your fault!" Steph spoke up before her mom could, walking a bubbling glass of champagne over to me in my chair, before sitting in the one next to me. "Y'all only been together like six months, everything ain't his business."
"And he's not CJ's father, honey. If Chris said he wants to keep it private and that's what you two agreed to, then how Kyle feels about it doesn't truly matter. Chris is your partner in this, NaNa." Auntie Cam dragged her own chair over and sat in front of us. "You were smart to not tell him. You're a mother and a young woman with her own path, you have to protect yourself and your baby from everything that comes with that celebrity world. It's ugly. So no, I don't think you're wrong."
