"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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Chris February 5th, 2009 Alpine, New Jersey
"All this back and forth, I'm tryna even the odds Suffer from the thought of losin' feelings and all that Still I'm leanin' in it, I can tell when it's all bad Miss you when I fall back, so what do you call that? Trading shots, tit for tat, takin' it all the way Highs turn into lows, but I'II still be one call away Or we can go tit for tat, tit for tat We can go back and forth, I'm here for that"
After the conversation me and Nae had at her crib about her engagement, I needed to disappear for a while. I was rolling around in a depressed rage and it was starting to impact other areas of my life. I was supposed to be on a high— my career was going fucking amazing, my girl is the biggest pop star in the world...we could wake up every day and do whatever we want.
But I've been sick about this shit. Once again, I put my feelings on the table with her and I ain't get the response I was looking for. I told her I wanted to talk when I came back from LA but she hit me with some dismissive bullshit that I didn't really understand. I just felt confused when I left.
For the first couple days I stayed home. She tried to reach out and talk but I ignored her, I ain't proud of it. I just couldn't talk to her right now. I couldn't even look at her.
All I thought about all day was that I can't believe I lost my girl. When I finally did sleep, I dreamt about her— holding her, making love to her, holding her hands while we rolled around the skating rink. I think about that a lot. Her curly hair blowing in the wind, with a huge smile on her face under the purple and blue lights.
I thought we'd find our way back eventually.
I know we moved on but I thought we'd work it out one day. I thought maybe she just needed a little time. Take care of herself...get happy...live at least one of her dreams without me fucking it up.
And maybe I needed a little time too. To grow up, control my temper. Be better for her.
I still wanted to give her everything I promised. And she took that from me. She was gonna walk down the aisle and take somebody else's last name. It would be the only one of our firsts that we wouldn't share.
Maybe one day I'd be her second "I do," who knows. I couldn't marry nobody else. So if love ends here for me then I can live with that. I had more than most niggas get in a lifetime. At least I could say I knew who my soul mate was, even if she's with somebody else. I knew where the other half of my heart was.
Robyn was still in LA, so I ain't have to see her. Thank God, because how could I explain that I can't sleep at night because the woman I love is marrying another nigga? How am I supposed to explain that to anybody? Even my own homies is looking at me like I'm crazy.
