"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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naomi
"I'm so indecisive I know that you don't like it And I never let my guard down But you steady tryna wife it Don't you see that I got baggage? My heart's way too hard to manage I can't give a nigga my trust You said you workin' to change that But just bare with me."
Dragging myself to school on Monday after traveling all weekend was hard as hell on me. I literally got ready this morning with my eyes barely open and my body still asleep.
But I had a pretty good weekend though. Chris took us skating, and even though I was overwhelmed with memories, it didn't make me as sad as it usually did. It actually felt good spending time with him and our baby, back in our hometown like nothing has changed. Kenya was right...once I let go of being mad at him, I felt better.
After we left the skating rink, he took us back to my dads and hung out all night. It felt so normal I almost forgot everything that was happening between us. The next day, I headed back to New York and he flew straight to LA for work. Since then, we only spoke when he called to make sure I landed safely.
"I ain't a controlling type nigga or nothing but...you can't just be leaving me for that long."
I quietly giggled, feeling Ky's warm breath on my skin while he softly kissed the side of my neck. His hands ran down my arms back and forth, warming me up. Since I got back to New York he's been all over me, more than usual even. We were both in classes all day but as usual, he met me at my favorite smoothie spot on campus so he could walk me to my car before his basketball practice.
It was our little Monday routine.
Since Valentine's Day we've only gotten closer and closer. We weren't officially anything yet, I don't know when I'll be ready to take that step, but I do have really strong feelings for him. I'm in very deep like with him. He asked about my dreams, fears, childhood...everything. My guard was up, so sometimes it stopped me from revealing too much, but I wanted to. I wanted to share with him and let him in. I felt like I could trust him.
He's literally the sweetest...he was so affectionate but masculine at the same time. With everybody else, he didn't show much emotion, he could seem very cold, but not with me.
He was just like my dad in that way, maybe that's why I liked it so much. It was familiar.
"How was your trip though, gorgeous?" He took my hand in his after I reached over and grabbed my smoothie off the counter. We strolled towards the exit hand in hand, and I anxiously sipped my drink, going over the events of the weekend in my head.
"It was good." I swallowed nervously, deciding not to lie to him. I already wasn't being totally honest about my relationship with Chris, or who Chris was, I didn't want to tell anymore lies. "It was a birthday party for CJ's dad's grandmother. They wanted me there."
"Aight." He nodded, but his tone didn't change. I couldn't tell if he was mad...or bothered or what. I glanced over to look at the side of his face, but he was just focusing on holding the door open for us. "That was CJ's first time down there?"
"No but he didn't get to meet her last time...she was a little sick. But she's better now...so it was a good time. I actually met his dad's girlfriend too."
"Why you always calling him CJ's dad?" He laughed a little, looking down at me. "Nigga don't got a name?"
"His name is Chris...Chris and Chris junior."
"Aight so you met Chris' girlfriend. How that went?"
"It was okay...she's a nice girl I guess." I shrugged, trying not to sound bitter and annoyed. "It was weird honestly."
"Word, I get that. It ain't easy seeing your ex with somebody else." He nodded, leading me down the staircase that led to the parking lot. This is my first time having an "ex." Is it dumb that I don't know what I'm not supposed to say? Or when I'm over sharing?
"Does that bother you?"
"You want it to bother me?" He answered quick, glancing over at me with a smirk on his face.
"No."
He remained silent until we got to my car. Once we did, he leaned me against the drivers side door, and bent down to quickly kiss my lips.
"Look, I ain't that kinda nigga. I trust you unless you give me a reason not to. If I had a problem with you having a baby father, I wouldn't have fucked with you to begin with." I just nodded, sipping my drink again. He was so honest and straightforward that it was hard to respond to sometimes. "I just hope this nigga ain't the reason you been on some weird shit with me."
He peered into my eyes, giving me that same soft, sincere gaze he always did. It was how I knew he meant every word he was saying. And I knew exactly what he was talking about too. I knew he could feel me pulling away from him sometimes, and I didn't really want to but I was trying to protect myself.
"I'm not on no weird shit, Ky. I'm just..." I sighed, trying not to cry as I spoke. "...I know you've had your heart broken before, and you know it fucking hurts, okay? I'm just trying to do whatever I can to not feel that feeling again."
"Nae..." he stepped closer to me, pensively licking his lips and locking his eyes on mine. "...I'm not tryna hurt you. I keep telling you I'm nothing like other niggas. How you can't see that by now?"
"I do see that, Ky." Against my will, my voice cracked a little. I didn't want to get emotional but I couldn't help it right now. "I know you're not trying to hurt me but...if I learned anything since I've been single it's that even good people can still hurt you sometimes without even trying...or knowing. And honestly that's worse."
He just nodded, looking off to the side for a second before he pulled his gaze back to mine.
"Look, maybe now ain't a good time for me to be tryna come in your life. I don't wanna force nothing on you. I like you a lot shorty, I got real feelings for you, but if you need me to fall back then I'll do that for you."
I just stared up at him for a second, not knowing what to say. He was asking me to be certain about something I was honestly very confused about. So far Ky was perfect— but what do they say about things that are too good to be true? I didn't wanna get in my own way but what if I was moving too fast?
"Cool." I nodded bitterly, wishing I could sink right into the ground. This wasn't what I wanted at all. "Imma go." I turned to open my car door, but not before I felt him hold me gently by my hips and pull me back. I didn't want him to see me cry. I've cried in front of him once already since we started dating.
"Don't say cool if it's not cool, Nae. Imma need you to tell me what you want, shorty. I'm confused."
"I don't think I know what I want, Ky. Honestly. I like you...but I got my guard up and I don't want to end up pushing you away." I answered honestly, wiping the tears from my eyes. He sighed, resting his bag on the floor and then holding my face in his hands.
"You could push me away all you want but I ain't going nowhere if you don't want me to, aight? But I need to know that."
"I don't want you to go anywhere." I spoke slowly, smiling through my small tears. He happily wiped my cheeks clean and pressed his lips to mine again, this time pulling me closely up against him. All the hesitation slowly oozed from my body, and disappeared into thin air.
