Things Fall Apart

32 . LOOK AT THE DAMAGE

naomi

March 30th, 2008
Harlem, New York

"I just don't wanna see you with no one else
Like I'm the only one allowed to move on
I'm a fuckboy for sayin' that shit, girl, I know it
I don't deserve you for playin' that like that
I know it"

I don't know how long we were sitting here avoiding each others eyes from across the living room, but time was creeping by. If we were in a movie, you would probably hear the sound of a clock ticking painfully slow at this point, second by second. A minute felt like it was an hour, that's how bad the tension was.

I didn't want to be the one to speak first, because I knew anything I said would make him mad. I hated when he yelled and cursed at me, it wasn't like him at all. Maybe I deserved it sometimes but I'm sensitive to it and it breaks me down. So I just kept quiet until he decided to speak.

It's been 10 days since our blow up at his house, and aside from small check ins, mostly through Mijo, we haven't spoken. Honestly, the more days that passed, the more mad I got at him. How he could just ignore me and his son for a week and a half was insane to me. Even when I thought I hated him, I never kept CJ away from him.  I expected way better from him, even if he was mad as hell at me.

"I'm sorry I ain't reach out these past couple days, aight? I just been thinking a lot." His eyes finally met mine, and even though I saw the sincerity in them, I was still upset. He was always doing things to make me mad and then begging for forgiveness. I just stayed silent, crossing my arms and staring back at him. The paparazzi pictures on the internet said he was doing a lot more than just thinking. "Hello? I said I'm sorry Nae, come on."

"I heard you."

"So respond to me."

"What do you want me to say Chris? I'm the one in the wrong so I guess I just gotta take the punishment however you give it right?" I rolled my eyes, shaking my head and ignoring him again. It only took him a few seconds to stand up, and join me across the living room on the couch I was seated on. He lowered his body down next to me, leaning toward me so that I was forced to acknowledge him.

"Nah...I was mad but you ain't deserve that. I wanted to call you baby, but...I just couldn't. But I mean it, I'm sorry."

"If I accept your apology can you accept mine?" With that, he sighed and carelessly threw himself back against the couch with a frown on his face. I got on my knees and faced him, dropping my shoulders in defeat. "What do I have to do to get you to forgive me, C? I'm sorry I lied to you, and I'm sorry I hurt you by telling you about Kyle when I did but...what am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know...I don't wanna talk about this shit Nae."

"Well we have to talk about it!" I threw my hands up in frustration, watching his hard eyes avoid me. I felt like we've been spinning in circles for the past few months and I was starting to get dizzy. "I did what you asked, I went and met your girlfriend and accepted her to make you happy. I'm trying C. Can't you try?"

"So what you want me to meet the nigga now?"

"No, absolutely not." I shook my head definitively, not giving that idea another thought. Who Chris really was needed to be a secret for as long as it could. I didn't think Kyle would go running his mouth to people but I couldn't take the chance. Any little bit of a normal life we had left would be gone.  "You want the whole world to know about your secret ex girlfriend and child? It wouldn't help your career and Tina would drop your ass quicker than she picked you up."

"Why you think I care what Tina says? She my manager, not my mama."

"Because you do care what she says. You let her run our lives before you even signed your damn deal."

Once again, same old song and dance. We've been arguing over this bitch for years now, even when things were good between us. She hated me...she hated our relationship and she didn't care if I knew it. And for some reason I was always begging him to defend me when it came to her. He was always a knight in fucking shining armor, but when it came to Tina? The suit came off, he put the sword down and I was suddenly fending for myself.

"Man whatever." He muttered, leaning his head back on the couch cushion and staring up at the ceiling. He was checked out, I could see the defeat on his face. I was starting to feel like...what's the point? He didn't say anything, and I sat there like a dummy staring at him. He was quiet for so long that I was startled when he finally spoke. He didn't even look at me. "You love this nigga Nae?"

"What?"

"Do you love him?"

I sighed again, pulling my lip in my mouth and shaking my head in utter confusion. "I don't know."

"How you don't know? It ain't hard to know when you love somebody." His tone was annoyed...urgent.

"You love Rihanna?" I spat back, hoping to make a point, but the look on his face just made me sick. Of course he does, dummy.  "Ugh, don't answer that." I got off my knees, sitting back down on my butt and crossing my arms across my chest. "I really didn't start dating him to get back at you. You know that right?"

"How am I supposed to know that?"

"Because you know me, C. Miami was honestly a reality check for me. I mean, put yourself in my shoes. If you had to stand there and watch me kissing on my new man in your face, in front of all our friends...knowing you, you would've killed him with your bare hands." He stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets and pacing back and forth in front of me. "How do you think I felt? So when I got back to New York..I decided I couldn't spend no more time crying over you and wishing you would come back. Because you were gone. It was clear to me."

"I didn't mean for-"

"Chris, I know. But it doesn't make it any better. You couldn't handle some of the stuff you've put me through these past two years. Even down to that stunt you pulled with that Keisha girl years ago."

He sighed, rolling his eyes, probably annoyed at me picking at old wounds. Keisha Chanté was supposed to just be some girl in his music video, but she eventually became a problem between us too, hanging around and flirting while they "worked." It only piled on to all the changes I was dealing with at the time.

"I told you I ain't do nothing with that girl, man. I never, not once cheated on you Nae. Ever."

"I believe you but does that make it okay? You went on a double date with her, I don't care how innocent you think it was. You let Bow influence you, you let Tina pull us apart...and I've been trying through all that to just keep my head above water because I love you more than the air I breathe. But me and you both know we stopped prioritizing this relationship a long time ago." I blinked back my tears, honestly tired of crying. "And I was still fighting for us. I still gave us everything I had. Maybe I yelled too much sometimes...or stressed you out but...you promised me forever a long time ago. You said you'd love me through anything, and we would figure out whatever came between us. You said that. You promised me that and you broke that promise when you gave up on us."

"Nae, I-"

"I don't care about your excuses and your reasons anymore Chris!" I wailed, finally letting my tears fall. He stared down at me with guilt in his eyes. It seemed like that's all he ever felt when he looked at me anymore. "I don't care. If you claim you broke up with me because you wanted me to be happy then just let me be happy! You get to be happy...you get to live your life. Why are you trying to make me feel guilty for living mine?!"