"we will struggle
not the way people do
and you will hurt me
but not the way everyone else can
and you will love me
harder than anything I've ever known
and I will need you
it will be strong and terrifying
and I will listen
even if it's the sadde...
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naomi
"I've been up, baby Heavy reminiscin' Heavy on the missing you Wish it was different than what it was I've been up, baby Lost in the lie of us Lost, ain't no findin' us I've been up, baby"
"So when did you know you liked me?"
I knelt on the carpeted floor between Chris' legs, gently running my hands up and down his knees over the thick denim on his jeans. We didn't usually hang out at his house, to avoid his stepdad, but Donnell was out of town visiting his brother and we had the basement all to ourselves while Mama J was at the daycare. I hadn't seen the dusty, old brown couch down here since we were little kids, when Daddy used to bring me over to play. The walls were old, cheap wood panels and they were covered in pictures of Chris, and Tootie, and their whole family. I wanted that for us one day too.
"Probably the day I first met you." The cute smile on his face made my cheeks warm up and my heart flutter a little.
"Liar. We were babies."
"We were 4...and I don't remember a lot of shit but I remember that. I remember the way I felt that day when you held my hand...I liked you. I might not have knew it then but I did eventually."
"Why did it take you so long to tell me?" I leaned closer to him, watching him turn slightly red.
"Because you made me nervous, and I just liked you too much. I never wanted nothing as bad as I wanted you. You're my dream girl." He gently moved the loose curl hanging in my eye away, staring at me with so much love in his eyes. "Now you a dream come true, baby. And I want you for the rest of my life."
I jumped out my sleep, gasping in shock with my hand pressed to my chest. The flashbacks I was having of Chris and I were so vivid and realistic that I thought I jumped in a time machine. I was actually surprised when my eyes opened and I was back in my bedroom in the condo, with CJ sleeping peacefully beside my bed in his bassinet. Once the initial shock wore off, I rolled on my back and stared up at the ceiling, noticing the slice of orange sunlight coming through the curtains. I knew I was going to have to get up and get ready for school soon but I honestly didn't have it in me today. Not after this weekend.
I've had enough drama over the last few months to last the rest of my life. I swear, I wish I could just go back to when I was 13 years old, before I had these problems.
Why did I have sex with Chris? As easy as it was to put all the blame on him, I was responsible too for what happened. I didn't even try to stop him. I'm so in love with him it was like I was under a trance and my brain just turned off. Honestly, it's always been that way between us, but back then it didn't make us do shit that was so...damaging.
