Can't Get Use to Losing You- Max Mayfield

Max Mayfield and TJ Wheeler

Max's Letter To TJ

TJ,

I've been staring at this piece of paper now for half an hour not knowing what to write. I guess this sums me up in real life to you when it comes to expressing my feelings, I just hide them away. The bottom line is you are my everything. I know, I know that it's ironic coming from me because I broke up with you, but I swear to you I regret it and hate myself for it every single day. I didn't know how to explain or show the feelings that were going on inside of me, it felt like my head was going to explode at any given second. We were both hurting and the truth is I was scared, I was scared of everything I felt... that I feel for you.

That day I met you, when Billy nearly ran you over, it sounds ridiculous but I swear everything just changed, the way your eyes found me, well it was like I'd known you forever.
You broke down my walls, not just broke you tore them down and I built them really fucking high since California. You came in to my life like a bull in a china shop and when I met your brother who was a dick to me, I thought you were going to be the same and like always you went and proved me wrong. You, TJ Wheeler remind me of the California waves, you came crashing into my life and surrounded me with no warning.

You're the one constant in my life TJ, your like the air, I need you to be able to breathe and as much as I hate to admit it and be vulnerable like this it's true. The night at the snowball dance, I should have saved us so much lost time and if I was brave enough, I would have told you that it has always been you and it always will be. I'm so frustrated with myself for letting you go, I want you to know that it will always be my biggest mistake that night at the lake, because I adore you with all my heart. No actually TJ Wheeler what I'm trying to say is that I love you. I don't know if I've said it out loud to you yet after you've read this letter, I may have never gotten the chance, but I promise I'm trying to. I'm really fucking trying to. It's just I know if I do then that's my walls completely down, crumbled to the floor and then there I am vulnerable waiting, praying, hoping you feel the same. But I can't take it back now and I don't want to, I love you.

I love everything about you, the day I cleaned you up in the bathroom, the first of many times and I saw that stupid, beautiful grin of yours. The way your eyes would light up when you spoke about something you're passionate about, the way you treat Holly and how you would go to hell and back for any of your siblings or even your friends without a second thought. The way you would link my pinky when we were both scared but didn't want to admit it, the way your tongue would stick out when you're concentrating. How you would always find a way to lighten the mood with your sarcasm or dad jokes, sometimes at the most inappropriate times. Watching you play guitar, write songs or watching you play sports just how happy and carefree you would always look. The feel of your lips on mine, the respect you had for me and the way you cherished me. TJ nobody has ever made me feel so special, so beautiful or so loved, you captivated me. I opened up to you in ways I would never with anyone else, you listened to me, you cared for me, I became delicate and I knew you'd never break me, but I know I broke you and for that I can never apologise enough, but please know it pained me to hurt you like I did. I truly am sorry, I didn't do it because I didn't love you and I know this may not make sense, but I did it because I loved you and I felt as if didn't deserve you.

To be be loved by you TJ was the greatest feeling I ever had in my entire life, you made life worth living even in my darkest days. I know that if you're reading this it means something bad happened to me and I hope we got to reconcile before whatever happened happens. I hope I let you know how sorry I am and how much of a fool I was and am for you. I am yours in this life, the next and all the ones after that.