Things Fall Apart

16 . LOVE GALORE

Because I was sure to start screaming, throwing things and cursing his ass out. And honestly, I'm tired of it. I was really, really trying. If I got sad, or needed to cry, I did it in private and appeared in front of him all smiles. That's what he wants, then he can have it.

I hope he's faking it too, and he's not just fine without me.

Thirty minutes into my drive I realized I wasn't on my way home...I took a left, then another left and ended up in front of my grandmothers house. I don't know why...I didn't want anybody to see me like this, but I felt comfortable here. For a while I just sat there...I kicked my shoes off and pushed my seat back, and stared up at the sky through the sun roof while I laid on my back.

Watching the clouds pass.

How do you move on from someone who your whole life is attached to? I didn't regret a thing about CJ, and I love him to pieces, but having him meant I'd never have the distance I needed from Chris if I was going to move on with my life. Literally...never.

I'd have to watch him go through girlfriend...after girlfriend...after girlfriend...and then a wife...and another wife because, it's Chris, come on. And I'd still be at home crying?

Fuck that.

I don't know how long I sat here, but the sun has gone down and my phone rang in my lap with my daddy's name on the screen. If anybody could pull me back to reality, it was him.

"Hello?" I lazily held the phone to my ear, hearing rustling on the other side before his voice came through.

"NaNa, where you at? Your boy is calling me worried about your ass, he said you been gone since this morning and you not answering the phone. Whassup?"

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head at Chris. He really went and called my dad. I saw his phone calls and texts but I ignored them because I didn't wanna speak to him right now.

"Daddy, I'm fine. I just had a long day at school and I needed to be alone. That's all. I'm on my way home now."

"I ain't ask where you was going, I asked where you at."

"I'm in the car...at the park. I'm just sitting here, Daddy. I'm fine."

"You good? What you in a bad mood for?"

"I'm not in a bad mood." I lied, focusing on a loose string on my sweats, rolling it between my fingers. "I'm just thinking."

"Fuck you thinking so hard about? You aight? You need me to book a flight?"

"No Daddy." I laughed for the first time since I left campus. This man was having lowkey empty nest syndrome and separation anxiety. He was looking for any excuse to book a flight to come up here. After I gave birth I had to damn near force him to get on his plane back to VA. He'd been itching for a reason to put his hands on somebody too. "I promise, I'm okay."

"You can't be going missing like that though, shorty. You had niggas thinking something happened to you, Chris is panicking and shit, you got a baby at home. You gotta check in. Come on, you lost your mind or something?"

"Maybe."

"Well you better find that shit. Fast. And stop tryna be fucking funny cause you ain't. And if you can't handle being alone in New York, your little ass could come right back home and go to the community college up the street." He paused his rant, saying something to somebody else in the room. "Look, I gotta go, I got shit to do at the garage. Take your ass home and imma call you tonight, cause I ain't done talking to you. You 18 now NaNa but you ain't too old to get fucked up."

Says the man who never even raised a hand to me.

"Yes sir. Gotta go, can't talk and drive. Love you Daddy." I blew him rushed air kisses, and hung up the phone, tossing it in the passenger seat. I'd probably hear it for that later but I might as well go home and get cursed out by my baby daddy first.