Noorur-rahman

Epilogue

17th November, 2022

The Light, The One who guides. Allah is An-Noor, The One who illuminates and reveals the divine light of all the worlds. His light illuminates the heart and provides clarity and guidance. Anyone who turned their back to the true light will be left in the darkness. A lot of us learnt that the hard way, I was in the dark because I blindly turned away, blaming the universe for my past misfortunes.

I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to letting myself vanishing from within, in order to experience grace. Find love and be whole again. I searched for peace in the wrong places and only found pain and more pain.

But after knowing the true meaning of the Light of the Graceful, I was able to breathe again. I have risen from the ashes and learned about life in the most cruel way possible. When I stopped the blame game, it was easy to forgive. Myself first before everyone, for taking the route to ruin me. One thing is for sure, there's no moving on to the soul that dwells and take pity on itself.

Letting go can be extremely hard! However, when one finally open their eyes and realized that no one was burdened with their happiness but themselves. It becomes easy to let things flaw as they came. Life is all about change, no matter how hard we try to keep things as they are, change will come eventually. So let go when you know you have to. Because there is a point of no return where only pain lays there.

From my experience, the best way to go by it, is to seek The Light, for the chance to stand up and be strong, to see beauty and be beautiful. For the ability to see others and ourselves, to see nature and its stunning variation is a great gift to each and every one.

Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss but that’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are.

There's this beautiful path that won't be discovered without being lost. Now I understand what Auntie Rabi'a meant by 'she had to die first to reclaim herself again'. I went through that phase too. I face the real death, only to be whole again.

Every year on the day I turn older I always write a letter to myself. Be it a pile of reflective essay or just a short note I keep safe in my laptop. The majority of people think that older means wiser, but age has actually nothing to do with wisdom.
Each time I look back, something different soothes my nerves.

Sometimes it’s the change of what used to be firmly grounded yet stubborn understanding, other times it’s the fleeting awareness that leads me to cry for happiness or sadness or anything in between. Everything I write captures any peak experience, mental breakdown, a change of heart, endless debate in my head or maybe just simple small cumulative improvements.

For a change, I had to went back to where it all started. I wanted to take away the power of the painful memory for hurt, prove to myself that I could choose to move on. So I took the ones I love the most, my family, and on that spot we made a great memory, a happy one. Now when my brain goes back there I divert it only to the good memory, the healing one. It's as if I wrote a good story over the top of a bad story, and in time the ink of the bad story fades away until only the good one remains.

Though, those painful memories are books with chapters, deep and horrible; and so I learnt to leave them on the shelf to gather dust. Though I can pick them up if I need to learn something, to gain a perspective that helps me to create my own good story. I can use them to re-see situations through the lens of their needs and traumas rather than mine. I want today, tomorrow and every tomorrow after to be wonderful; I want to choose what to write on those blank pages.