Noorur-rahman

Before Dawn

Noorur-rahman stares at herself from the full length view mirror at the side of her dressing table. She can see the visible scars on her arms and a long one on her stomach, like seven inch tall. They're some on her forehead too, the doctor said they'll fade with time, since they weren't deep. She have also come to terms with her short hair. Her aunt had braided it for her in two hand style.

This is not the person she remember herself to be. She thought as she stares at the mirror.

Noor doesn't know when she was happier, whether it's before the accident or after. At first it was okay, she hardly know what was going on in her life. So there's no much to worry about, other than recovering. However, as time went by she learned of her messed up memory. And things starts to fall apart and becomes confusing.

She feels out of place something, she would stare at the things in her room and don't know how she came about them. But everyone is happy, therefore, it's more than enough reason for her to be okay. After all, that's part of her recovering phase. And that's a good thing.

So she smile like everyone, genuinely. Because, it's contiguous!

Though, these days, she finds herself  assessing her life bit by bit. Looking for her memory in every corner of the house and on every paper in her room. But she doesn't even have a diary.

What have I forgotten? She'd wonder in her thoughts. Noorur-rahman do really want to get back on her life, to at least continue from where she remember, but then these questions keeps on popping in her head, making her doubt everyone and herself.

Yesterday, she mistakenly read her hospital file when her therapist went to the restroom. She doesn't know how many people she's forgotten about, but each and everyone of them according her amnesia is a part of a past abuse or traumatic event. Yet, she doesn't see any sign of being abuse with all this people that loves her so much.

Each and everyone of them give her the feeling of assurance, being loved by them gives her enough and good reason for a celebration. Yes, she didn't do much of that in her nineteen years of life. She doesn't remember that, of course, but her inner feelings was telling her so. And that's why she believed she's forgotten more than being abuse or traumatic events. Which she hardly doubts abuse is on the list.

"Come on, quit staring at yourself now. You're still as beautiful, even more now." Nadia said who's sitting on the sofa facing where Noor is standing, reading one of the book in Noor's collection.

"I don't call this beautiful!" Noor retorts,  lightly hitting one of her crutches on the floor.

"Oh, that's nothing, but you're beautiful and I'm not saying it to make you feel better. I just saying what I see." She sighed deeply  staring back at the mirror, then at Nadia.

"Nadia!"

"What?"

"Don't I have a boyfriend? I mean I'm nineteen." She asked, making her way to the sofa, "well, before the accident I was eighteen." It still feel surreal that she's missed all those month and the world really moved on without her.

With a mischievous smile, Nadia nodded no cutting her off her trance. "You don't have a boyfriend. Not even a crush!" Noor scrunched her face.

"But, what if I have one and you don't  know?" She added curiously,

"That's possible too." Nadia agreed, as she try to remember if she had seem her friend acted being in love with anyone. "Uhm-uhm!" She moan shaking her head deeply in thought. "I don't think you have a boyfriend, I mean we shared the same room for a while, but there's never any phone call or meetings. So, no. No boyfriend!"