Noorur-rahman

In Snap Of A Finger

This book is really lacking votes and comments, guys. The least you can do if you like what you read, is to show your appreciation. It doesn't take much of your time to vote or throw comment.

.......

Nine years is along time to carry the burden of the past especially on an empty soul that's been scraped away. Just when I thought the healing was breaking through my soul and gluing back the broken pieces again. A set back hit the soul once reminding me that I won't ever be whole ever again.

Undoubtedly, my mind feels so very threaten, fear judgmental eyes, and those voices that painted you black without actually knowing you. I wonder if Mubin can keep my secret, that's the most dreadful part. Not knowing. The excitement of not knowing kills before the actual result which may either be positive or filled with negativity. Although, I have experience all the numbness there's, the terror of being exposed to the world is something else. I don't wish for my misfortune to have any more bearer.

So in other to escape that reality, I hide under the protection of abbah, Isma'il supporting smile and Aunt Jamila's warmth. That day was the fifth day I missed school. Though, I have already made a decision, after all this is my life. I can't hide forever.

And Nadia had called a hundred times to check if I was okay, which I am. They said what did kill you makes you stronger. That statement carries a lot of wisdom indeed. Though, while some experience made us stronger,  others creeps us until we reduce to nothingness, losing all the value of one self. In spite of that, we can always rise again, but before we reach the point of rising up again, our soul might have debilitates to a certain point of destruction.

I wanted to be happy, I longed to be happy. That year after Hadiza had left I thought that no one can trampled on my happiness anymore. But then calamity happens when you least expect it. With all honesty, I'm tired of being afraid. Afraid running away from my inner self. I wanted peace, even though I did not actually pray for it. Allah sent me Isma'il, he came into my life without any notice lighting my dark narrowed paths.

He's a beautiful soul, so calm and gentle. He works magic with his words, I don't know if he knew. But he exactly knows his way around me. Ever since he was here, he didn't let me fall. It's like he's seeing right through me, having the perfect word for every occasion. Aimlessly, he try to understand me even though he knew he won't get what he from me.

I noticed, just like abbah, Isma'il is just here to make my life better without expecting anything in return. His smile lit my mood and gives me assurance. The kind of smile that assures you that a person will be with you even in your darkest moment.

Now he treat me like an egg so fragile and delicate, afraid that if I'm mishandled, I won't be whole again. If only I could tell that I have been broken already.

"Abbah!" I announced my presence at his study after knocking and saying my salam. A bright smile lit his face as soon as our eyes met. Abbah didn't asked much about my absense from school, he believed I'm sick and needed as much rest I can get.

Moment like these are the kind that makes me feel small and unworthy in front of my own father. I have lied to him way too many times, I know deep in side me a day will come that abbah would know he have been mistaken about his innocent little girl. For I was no innocent, developing a defense mechanism that along with manipulation and lying with destroy even the most innocent of souls. I was no perfection and I believed they all know it.

Sometimes I struggle between three conflicting personalities, doubting which one of the three is the real me; the sweet girl in front of abbah right now, or the strong willed one with the ability to always put things her way, or maybe the weak one that cries behind close door for what she's lost and never having again.