Noorur-rahman

For The Very First Time

On the cold tiled floor, she cringed right under the wash hand basin in her restroom. Pain was just an illusory sensation that her mind could shut down if needed to, she told herself. But then, if feeling it and reliving it, is an act of remembrance, so be it. For she have to remember all that leads to her misery, it all started with one selfish decision made by a person who shouldn't have.

So she let It explode in her chest, tightening her nerves and producing the liquid substance into her eyes. She rarely tear up, but that day was exceptional. It made her dizzy. It made her reel. The pain is like needles that had been dipped in roaring coal fire and jammed through her heart, like her body had been replaced with ice and electricity wired straight into her spine. It had been years since she'd experienced that, no one has ever seen her in that state other than herself. And she will love to believe that- that's not her real self.

That Noorur-rahman, that everyone can easily trample on. She's that, she's still that, masked under her confident demeanor and her strong aura. Deep inside her, is a shattering soul in dare need of help. Albeit, little did she know that without letting anyone know, no one will ever know how much she's buckling in.

And she knew damn well that she will wear that cover immediately she stepped out of that restroom. She's Noorur-rahman and she's no damsel in distress. Although before then, the pain is still there and by the look of it, it will take a while. Anyways, that's what always happened when reality throw you back a big ball of your past for review.

Noor feel like dying at the moment, her chest is weighing up from everything, starting from Zaria where it all started. The sadness of the image flashing in her head, clothed her. As if it wasn't just very recent she decided to be good and let the past stay in its place. But no, her always unlucky star shone on her head last night and produced the result the next morning.

Why was abbah ever in agreement with that? She wondered, staring at the bathtub before her like hawk. In her head, she have an idea of how to end it all. Its reminds her of the movie she had watched with Isma'il few weeks ago. The girl died in the movie and everyone realized where they have gone wrong. She could too, she thought. All it will take is for abbah to come and find her drown in the bathtub, in the pool of her own blood from a slit wrist.

How stupid!

That's Noorur-rahman, even in her dismay, she will not let her gut down. She have not learned the act of self control just to waste her life in a bathtub. She's greater than her pain, she have always believed that.

Although, for the very first time in her life, a suicidal thought have crossed her mind. And for that brief moment it seems like a good option, that way she won't have to go anywhere.

That will be dying like a coward!

Exactly! she agreed. Why will she die for someone who has never cared? Most importantly why will she ever do that to her abbah? Abbah has done everything a father could do for their child, and she will never do anything intentional to break him.

Hours has passed since abbah has seen his guest out, after which he came for his daughter who by then has locked herself in her room. He knocked and knocked to no avail.

"Noorie, open the door my dear." He'd pleaded heartily when Noor was doing the mind blocking thing, yet she heard loud and clear, but she refused to do so.

For the very first time in her life, she's disappointed in him. She loves her abbah beyond measures, they're times he stood her up or refused her things she'd asked for. But she's never been disappointed, and he had made her understood she can not always have her ways. She always understood his point whether he pointed it out or not. However, there's no excuse for what he did that morning.