Noorur-rahman

Not At Ease

Pinnacle International college have been a solace, some sort of therapy too. Perhaps, that's what school are meant for. For me, it's where I sorted out my unsorted emotions. A place I can look back to with a silent laughter. It who I am, born different maybe.

Today as I set my journey out of that school, I felt a tinge of fear settled in my system. I have managed to secure my place in PIC, I only hope I didn't exhaust my luck in there. It's everything I ever wanted, the acceptance and recognition.

I wanted to be happy and dance just like the other students, but I couldn't. Just like making friends doesn't appeal me, rejoicing with them is pretty the same. All I met there were casualties. Though there were those that made my life special, Asad for example. My good friend, I wonder how our friendship will survive now, if we both take a different path. He might gone too, I might lose him with my indifference.

I quietly slumped in the passenger's seat my mind  rummaging through my memories looking for something to use against me. But nothing, all it was able to pick,  was the look on the substitute's face. Why did I even look back at him, when I didn't have to? That uneven stare! Why do I feel like he's accusing me of something? Since when did you care anyone is accusing you.
My subconscious reminded me.

I took a deep sigh looking our through the window. The roads shimmered in the heat of the midday sun. I let myself be consumed by the busy road, not actually picking interest on anything. But there I sat, staring. For rest of the drive I zoned out, and I didn't missed Isma'il's stares from time to time.

"Are you okay, Noorie?" Isma'il asked as he held the car in our drive way. The drive home, was a silent one. Neither me nor Isma'il said a word, I really appreciated that. My mind was already numbed with nostalgia or whatever, all that I could have done in PIC. Is that even it? What am I so afraid of? This isn't like me.

"Noorie?" And I was snapped out of my trance. "Are you okay?" Isma'il's concerned eyes fell into the unreadable mine.

"Uhmm," I mumbled getting out of the car.

"Noorie!"

"What?" I asked, almost rudely staring him in the eyes with a tight face. He's only concern about me, I told myself and it won't take a genius to know, that I'm not okay or as excited as I should be. I never thought leaving PIC is going take a toll on me. And something weird was also happening, with Isma'il's unmoving stare  on me. He was never the one to stare like that. Why did they chose today to stare at me like that?

Leaving beside me, he stood in front of me blocking my way. With the way he quickly stood there, he could even hold me if he could. I can see the resistance in every gesture he made in that brief moment. He face palmed himself, moving a bit away from me. This guy!

"What's this all about, Noorur-rahman?" It's even more weird that he's talking my full name.

"What's what? I grimaced. He points at the left side of my cheek and I ran my hand over my face only to find it wet.

Okay, that's what is weird. My left eye was embarrassing me in front him. What was the need to tear up in front of this dude? I quickly wiped everything up, voiding my face with any emotion that'll make me lose my face.

Isma'il should be the last person to witness that. "Noorie, you're not made of stone, okay. It's okay to feel emotional and act on them too.... "

"That's not me, I don't need to act on my emotions." I caught him up, I don't need to here any emotion lecture at this moment or ever. And all my stupid mind could think of at that moment was I didn't bid a proper welfare to the substitute, as if that's even significant enough for my unfaithful mind to thought of.