Noorur-rahman

The Restless Hearts

It's already passed 1am in the night, and Noor couldn't put herself to sleep. She tried everything, even pulling her hair, but in vein. It didn't helped that rained heavily that night. She's craving for a hot cup of chamomile tea to at least calm her nerves. That tea work wonders for her, but how could she go about making even a simple black tea in a stranger's house.

For the umpteenth time that night Noor sighed and stood by the window staring outside, she can barely sight the starless and moonless night from there. From there she feel the outside, the cool breeze that continue caressing her skin and droplets of the rain here and there. She felt as if she's being cage in God knows where, perhaps not even her abbah can find her now without the help of a GPS.

On a day like this, abbah will always remind her to close her windows or when she's already asleep, he'll do it for her. She misses him a lot. Her heart was souring! At first it seemed as though nothing was happening. Yet, she can't count the number of times her heart skipped a beat and beat overtime.

She knew losing it will not help. For the greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, it can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly, all other lost will echo and scream and be noticed. But when it's you fading away, no one will notice, especially when you always put up a beautiful smile to those who care. Wonder if they ever see behind that facade!

Noor sighed at nothing in particular again, she's really tired of everything. Especially the tightness in her chest, that pain has taken root into her chest and settled. No matter what she does, that knot that tightened her chest since the day she received the news of her birth mother, is still secured and strong in there. All she needed is consolation at for that moment.

Who could have thought she will ever care?

That day has been emotionally draining from meeting her birth mother to meeting the woman's children, it's all too much. Whenever Noor is feeling down like that, she'll lay her head on her abbah's lap and the two of them will stay quiet like that, silently appreciating each others company. But abbah is out of her reach now.

And the next second she's dialing her abbah's number, the call almost cut before he answered. "Noorie!" From his raspy voice, Noor knew she woke him from his sleep.

"I'm sorry for waking you, paapi!"

"It's okay, my dear. I was dreaming about you, good thing you called." He beams. How's he never getting tired of her? She will always wonder.

"I will facetime you now, hold up." It's exactly at that moment that Nafisa stood by Noor's door. Begining her first phaseof her daily night routine. She'll always wake up to check on her kids and put the younger ones to pee, to avoid wetting their beds. Though that night she only have Noorur-rahman stuck in her mind. She wanted to see her daughter while she's sleeping. However, its turned out that, the girl was wide awake just like her.

Instead of going about her business, she couldn't help but eavesdrops on Noor's conversation with her father. And that's when she really know, she had made a grave mistake. She could have established that kind of connection with Noor too. She could have been her best friend just like s with her other children, they tell everything.

But then, she don't know a single thing about her first child. She's no tad bit of doubt in her mind that Noor hates her. She noticed how Noor stared at her and avoided her eyes. It's so disheartening for Nafisa to witness, a tremor inside her still stay subdued in the cage of her chest, waiting for the perfect timing to explode. And now only the unconscious tears accompany her despair. And she wonder, with all the uneven look in Noor's eyes, will she ever forgive her? And what if she's still unable to face her daughter after all these years.