Noorur-rahman

The Beginning Of The End

"Then, don't do it. Allow yourself to fall and I assure you we will be right beside you, to hold you from touching the ground. Let yourself feel your emotions rather than denying them. You have tried so hard, Noorie. It's time to have power over that painful memories. You can cry as much as you want. Noorur-rahman, we all know you're not a weak person. And it's also okay not to be okay even for strong people." And she continue to sobs wholeheartedly, while Auntie Rabi'a struggle to keep her own emotion under control.

"Your suffering, your memory of it, is like a teddybear fashioned from glass shards - the tighter you cling to it the deeper it will cut. So practice putting it down for longer periods of time, you will notice that when you have picked it up and it slices at your skin. You and it are separate. One day you'll notice that the bad teddybear is gone, you lost it sometime and never noticed. You will see that your good and noble choices made a better life, something positive, and that'll enable you to hold a new teddybear, soft and warm, one that brings an inner glow and keeps you cosy under starlight and sunshine alike. So don't be afraid to let of it, Noorie." Noor agree to practice her aunt advice. But then she must nurse that pain one last time.

Abbah is still recovering from that though, the thought won't let him sleep at night these days. At times he find it hard to believe what happened with Noor. It hits him hard where nothing has ever touched before.

The torment is still fresh, especially with Salisu being his brother and Hajiya the woman he trusted to look after his daughter. Although, he should have known better than to trust those people after all they done even before what had happened  with Noor.

They're vicious in nature, thinking of nothing but themselves. And with them, he experience the worst betrayal.

"I'm so sorry, Noorie!" Abbah finally said after getting to term with he's learned. But he knew very well that it will take him years to figure out, how he clothed and fed those monsters. And maybe one day he will under Allah's reason for putting them through this.  "I never wanted to be your weakness, Noorie. I thought that we're each other's strength. I'm so sorry they used me against you. And forgive me for making you face them over and over again, when you never wanted to. If I had known the reason, neither of us will have gone back there, ever! And they would have face justice by now."

Abbah gently squeezes her hands, they're both seated on the sofa in Noor's bedroom. She refused to going downstairs, since she recover her memories. For she feels too weak to use her crutches, that's why she prefer hanging around on her room, all depress.

"I'm sorry, I only learned this when it's too late. I can't even punish them with the law." Noor smile in her tears, staring at her abbah's bloodshot eyes. She should have trusted her father's love more than Hajiya's threats, maybe then it wouldn't have hurt up to that very moment.

"It's okay, abbah. There's always the divine justice, much more powerful that karma. I believe our tears will not go in vein, after all they're the silent prayers we sent to The Almighty, when there's nothing much we can do." And brought abbah to tears too. So the two use that moment to loose some of the tight knots in their chests.

.....

It's after the stiffness in her chest has began to loosen itself, then she came. Because, just like Aunty Rabi'a had advised, Noor's doing anything to set herself free. But first, she have to deal with the biggest obstacle. Her mother!

It had been a month since Maman Naana was last there. And now becoming back to   face Noor was harder that she ever thought it would be. Especially with what she had just learned from the family.

"I know I have been your pain, I know I have hurt a lot, Noorur-rahman. And I shouldn't have done that. So forgive me, even if I'm not worthy of that." And Noorur-rahman now knows that with forgiveness comes peace. That solace of being free and freeing all those you have caged within.

Nevertheless, Noor only stares at her, it feels surreal to hear that from her. After all she have said to pushed her away. During amnesia, she's searched for a lot, but somehow, there's not a point she's looking for the memories of her mother. Because deep down she knew there wasn't any to look for.

"Abbah said you have your reasons, and I'm already too tired of going back to that over and over again." More than anything Noor doesn't know how to feel about her birth mother. So she simply added with "it's okay."

"No Noorur-rahman, it's not okay. I given birth to you, but I have never been your mother. I'm sorry for leaving you behind. I'm sorry for all the bad things you have go through, I should have been there for you. I know I have given those people the chance to hurt you. I should have been your shield, even when you didn't need me.  But I was blinded by selfishness. And I have said a lot to hurt you and ruined my chance all over again. Forgive your mother, Noorur-rahman!" Maman Naana quietly waited for Noor's respond. But Noor was neutral, for some certain thing only work with time.

"I don't know what the future hold for us. But this is going to take us a while."

"Okay, I'm okay with that." Maman Naana knew not to push her luck, moreover it's taken her forever to say that. "And I want you to know that you have always been on my mind. I didn't mean it when I said I never wanted you, that was not the truth, Noorur-rahman. You have always been close to my heart from the moment I held you in my arms. But when I left you, I felt I have become unworthy of you. The shame of leaving my infant baby behind wouldn't let me face you. I hope one day not too far from now, you will learn to forgive and accept me."

Noor doesn't know whether to hug her mother or to just let her continue tearing up on her own. She hope that her mother did not stiff that part of her heart that is supposed to love her unconditionally. For she still feel like the woman is nothing but a stranger to her.

But that evening when she finally come down and sat on her favorite place in the garden, with Isma'il next to her and smiling as always. The cool breeze is making rearrange her thought all over.

"So you knew what happened and you still do all that for me."

"Was I not supposed to all I did?" He suddenly frown, eyeing her with the corner of his eyes.

Noor laugh at the expression on his face, "I mean you said you love, and I thi..... ."

"I still do love you and there's no past that will change." He declared cutting short on her words.

"I feel like I'm not suitable for you, I know all this is too much you."

"Noorie, my feelings for you are not obligations that you have carry. So feel burden by it, only do what you must." Noor only stares at him, then a fine smile follows, Isma'il is more than she could ever asked for and no doubt about it, he's someone she's afraid of having so close to her. He's too good to be true, way too good and out of her league. Why will he not give a damn about her past?

"Isma'il, I feel like a scrap right now. There are so many things in me that need to be repair. I have to find myself first and the person I am truly am. And it's not fair for you. What you have for me is so beautiful and I don't want to lose it. So please hold on a little more, until I'm more deserving of you." He nodded with a huge smile on his face. And yes, he can settle with just that. But between him and Noor, he doesn't  know who's more deserving of the other.

                 
               ..............The End.............

Assalamu alaikum warahamatullah, my beautiful readers!

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