Dreamland Review Archive

Ms. Fernsby's Cottage (A)

I'm also quite curious why the whole pub listens to Clarence and chases after the poor little girl. Are they that afraid of him? Nobody bothered to intervene much until she fled and he demanded they go after her, but why would all of them care? It sounds like this place is pretty crowded too, so it seems strange for me unless they all have a desire to kill? This is something I hope gets expounded on in later chapters. If there's only one of him and many more of them, why do they not just gang up to kill him?

When we reach Angelica fleeing into the woods, wishing she had her mommy, it reads like a child's panicked thoughts. This one instance, however, seemed really odd compared to the above paragraphs where she's asking why her mommy isn't there to save her. "Oh, dammit, she's back to thinking about her damn mommy again." If you want your narrator to sound like this and seemingly not care much for the child, then I suppose it works. But it feels really strange when just a paragraph above it details her desperately wanting her mommy and how her kisses make things better.

This chapter sure opened with a colorful and chaotic bunch of characters. I think I'm most curious to learn more about Ms. Fernsby and what her motives are. I'm hoping she genuinely wants to help the poor little girl, but seeing how insane the others have been wanting to kill her, I'm not sure if I can trust the woman. She might end up being even more crazy than those in the pub.

Chapter 2: This was an interesting chapter to see Ms.Fernsby and her cottage, with the other kids. It makes me wonder if all their parents were murdered, likely by Clarence. Which leads me to wonder why nobody has tried to turn him in or even kill him. Everyone at the pub seems to follow him blindly, especially Mark. I suppose it's just fear? Since you mention them "pissing themselves" while Clarence goes on a mental breakdown and dances.

So far, I'll admit I'm lost with the crowd at the pub and wonder what's really going on with them. Is it like a kind of criminally insane little cult or club that Clarence has created there? The way they follow him and listen to whatever he wants is odd. Do none of them, aside from Ms. Fernsby, not want to murder a little girl?

While I think I trust Ms. Fernsby so far, I can't help wondering if she has some kind of hidden agenda too. Like, what happened to these kids' parents? She tells them that they've gone on adventures, but I'm suspecting that's a lie. I believe they're all dead, probably killed by Clarence.

The way she healed little Angelica was quite strange and magical, so I'm suspecting she has some kind of powers. I've even wondered if Clarence is her child, or perhaps one that she raised when he lost his own parents. I could be completely off on that, but I think there's more to her and Clarence. I feel like there's a connection somewhere, especially since she knows who he is and seemed rather crestfallen when she learns he's up to his old murderous tactics.

My only criticism for this chapter is your grammar, particularly your dialogue tags. There were a handful of instances where you have the punctuation out of the quotation marks or have a random extra period added at the end. Examples:

"Are you doing okay?".

Angelica says "Yea, yea I'm doing good".

Chapter 3:

Interesting plot points come up in this chapter with introductions to new characters, but I have to admit, the sections where you had them singing was quite corny. I'm not sure if that was the vibe you were going for, but if so, it worked. It reminded me of those little kid shows where they just randomly burst out into song. "The fact that is true I love you You love me too Don't look so blue, I love you..." I imagine this being sung with Barney because of the resemblance but I think it's supposed to be a love confession in a song? I wasn't expecting three paragraphs of them singing, along with the happy birthday song. This is just a personal preference, but I feel like you could really cut down on the music notes. Just include the cute happy birthday one. It works the best.