Dreamland Review Archive

Return of the 13th Zodiac (V)

[ final hook line establishing the general premise of the book: the battle for honor and glory ]

One after another, players appear on the board, each with their own agenda to pursue. And so, the battle for honor and glory begins.

I would say the only thing I would like for you to add is the how of Liwei. Like, how does his presence change everything? I would like there to be a little hint, or clue. Or at least more characterization of Liwei in the blurb, seeing that I assume he's being set up as the second main character here. You could do something like "...a cunning spirit beast named Liwei."

All in all, the blurb is pretty fine and it works well enough that people who like East Asian-inspired fantasies or revenge stories may get hooked.

General Thoughts

I would say the first thing I really noted in your work was the main character Shu Yue. I really like her. I find her cool and confident and badass, and just a joy to follow. She has a lot of personality just from the first chapter and it gives me as a reader something to enjoy. I like that she's distinct as a character right from the get go and that you're teasing the readers with more to come with her, with her backstory and her current goal being not outright stated. I can also see a lot of potential as to where her character could go, with a lot of her positive traits being easily twisted into a weakness. I'm excited to see what direction you would take this character and how.

Other than Shu Yue, I would say another facet of your work that I enjoyed is your worldbuilding. I can see the thought put behind this Chinese fantasy-inspired world and I enjoy all the tiny details, from the belt colors to the various martial techniques. The way they're expositioned is a bit clunky at times, but overall it's fairly functional to read.

As for the plot and pacing, I don't have much to say to be honest. Every chapter so far has something important happening and therefore it feels fairly quick, but not rushed as there's time to breathe. Every chapter is fairly adequate in length and they function pretty well. I can see that every chapter is a part of Shu Yue's journey to reach her goal. So yeah, I don't have much to say. I do like that there's little mysteries per chapter and how I can see it'll eventually connect to the overarching plot.

Breakdown

Chapter 1

The first line is a bit off to me. It makes sense, and I do get that it's chopped up for the drama, but at the same time, it's way too noticeable that it's cut up for that purpose and that grammatically it doesn't make much sense. Perhaps you can reword the sentence to include all three characteristics with the proper dramaticness but without making it too obviously grammatically incorrect?

Like so:

Tall, muscular, and with a huge sword.

That was her opponent.

But to be honest that's a minor nitpick. The first line works pretty well and I also like the "That was her opponent." that comes after it that adds even more drama.

After that, we get introduced directly into an action scene, which is not a new thing to do but is still a pretty effective hook. I am curious why you had to add "As usual." in the third paragraph? It's not really needed, but sure I guess.

My problem is that the first scene gets bogged down a bit with the exposition. There's a lot of info suddenly dumped onto you and it kills the momentum of the opening sentences. What you could do is move the exposition around a bit? So it doesn't feel like it cuts off the flow of the descriptions. Like so:

"Introduce yourselves, participants!" bellowed the elderly man dressed in a gray robe with his silver hair in a high bun. Lu Baiyu stood in front of the crowd, his eyes focused on the two contestants.