Dreamland Review Archive

Auburn's Fall (V)

All in all, this chapter is just a lot of set-up. It sets up the setting, the main character, and the main conflict. Nothing much other than that. It's a fully functional chapter.

Chapter 2

Some stuff:

"Lying there in the cold I must have drifted off for a while..." → "Lying there in the cold, I must have drifted off for a while..."

"'Hey!' her long comb blowing in the whistling wind..." → "'Hey!' As her long comb swayed in the whistling wind..." (blow is a weird word choice here, so I changed it)

The 4th paragraph is just one long sentence that could be cut into at least two. As such:

I pulled away with a squawk in a desperate attempt to avoid being pecked, only to tumble backwards, finding myself in a pile again. I faced up to see the faint glow of the dusty orange sky between branches.

You did this two times in this chapter so I'm pointing it out. Sentences after dialogue must be capitalized unless it's a dialogue tag.

For example:

"I'm Oaklyn by the way." Her tail twitched in amusement...

That should be a period and capitalized as the tail twitching is an action.

On the other hand, if you did a dialogue tag, then we do the comma and lower case first letter.

"I'm Oaklyn by the way," she said.

Words like "she said" or "I muttered" are part of the sentence the dialogue is in hence why it's not capitalized in comparison to the action where it's a separate sentence from the dialogue.

Anyway we meet Oaklyn in this chapter. And I already like her immediately. While cliche, I do like the fact that she has a bright and bubbly personality to contrast Auburnfall's more gloomy and reserved one. We also get to see Auburnfall interact with another chicken and get to see her in a social situation, giving us more of her character. She's a bit anxious of being misunderstood, and she's a bit shy. Perhaps it has something to do with her trauma in the coop? Oaklyn on the other hand is very bubbly and immediately makes friends and even gives her her sweater. It's a cute scene.

I have nothing much to say about this chapter. We get introduced to a new character and we get a new aspect of Auburnfall's character that we get to see. I do feel like it's a bit too slow and it doesn't move the plot a bit? I'll mention it in the next part, but I feel like this could be lumped in with Chapter 3.

Chapter 3

Okay, so this chapter. I do feel like it can be put together with Chapter 2? It moves the plot a bit more (meeting the two other chickens), expands on the characterization (Auburnfall's anxieties and loneliness), and then ends at a point where Auburnfall has to make a choice: follow the two and trust them for a shelter, or don't follow the two and lose chance for a shelter. I feel like the last part is what Chapter 2 is missing that Chapter 3 has—a part where Auburnfall has to make a choice to progress her goal.

Okay, other than that, let's look at this chapter. We get to see that Auburnfall already thinks of Oaklyn as a friend in her narration, making it feel like Auburnfall is easily attached to other chickens? This is further emphasized later when she feels immediately comfortable with them after the mention of a family. Auburnfall really feels very sad, gloomy, and lonely. She just wants a friend or a family and that part really adds to the melancholic tone of the work. Though, be careful, because this may lead to their dynamics and relationships developing in a way too fast of a pace. Remember that they just met, and therefore Auburnfall doesn't know them intimately yet. Their relationships aren't going to be immediately smooth-sailing.

As for Oaklyn and Betha... Oaklyn and Betha give a bright blast of light and noise to Auburnfall's peacefully lonely surroundings. I like how Oaklyn is more of a friend, all excited and fun to be with while Betha is calmer, more mature, and more of a mother hen (pun unintended).

This chapter has a good ending hook to it, with the choice that Auburnfall has to make. I'm really curious as to what's going to occur next!

Summary

Overall, the writing is pretty solid and it gives us good imagery. It sets a certain mood and tone for the narrative which fits the protagonist's character. The other characters that appeared also seem fun and have many fun possible dynamics with the protagonist. To be honest this work reminds me of one of my favorite slice of life anime: March Comes In Like A Lion. It has that same tranquil loneliness which then gets interrupted by bright characters who force themselves into the main character's life.

With a little more polishing through editing, this work can be the best it can be. I also can't judge it right now because there's only three chapters, but I do hope you nail the emotional aspects of this piece. If you do, I'll definitely wait to read it! Do be careful about the pacing however, you're kinda teetering to having too quick of a pace for the story. This type of story needs time to simmer—let your readers immerse themselves in the protagonist's emotions. Don't rush.

Thank you for choosing me as your reviewer! If you have any questions, feel free to DM me.