Dreamland Review Archive

Auburn's Fall (V)

So far, the characters feel like they have a point to be there. Auburnfall, the protagonist, is gloomy and lonely. She wants to have friends and a family, but her fear and past trauma is making her unable to connect with others. But then Oaklyn and Betha barge in her life, giving her a chance to connect to others and get free from her lonely world. Oaklyn is a bubbly friend while Betha is a caring mother hen, at least so far those are my impressions of them. I like the dynamic they have so far.

I'm very much excited to see Auburnfall's character arc. It really feels like you're building on something here. Like, you know what direction you do want to take this character. And I'm personally interested to see how you'd handle that journey. Though... My only main problem about this work is that you may make it way too fast-paced. By Chapter 3, we immediately have Auburnfall considering Oaklyn as a friend and accepting the two of them as a family. She just met them and she's already super attached to them. I'm fine with that easy attachment as a character trait of Auburnfall, but I do wanna note that you shouldn't make their relationships fast paced. Auburnfall may be attached, but she doesn't know these two properly yet. She just met them. And therefore, communicating with them isn't going to be all smooth.

Breakdown

Chapter 1

From the first line, the chapter already starts with a melancholic tone, which I really like. Then we get some personification there and I love the imagery I can get from your descriptions. A forest with falling auburn leaves, a sky of oranges and pinks, a soft breeze that whispers in your ears, etc. It sets up a certain atmosphere immediately as we get into the story.

I think I only have a few problems with the writing. One was the capitalization of the seasons—they're common nouns, no need for capitalization. And there was a part where you're supposed to use an em-dash, not a hyphen. Em-dash can be typed out on Google Docs through three dashes after a letter. (like so—) or you can type it through unicode (alt + 0151 = —). You could also just copy an em-dash and then paste it in.

Like so: "...shattering the fragile peace that the swirling colored sky—God's painting—had brought upon..." instead of "...the swirling colored sky - God's painting - had brought upon..."

I do feel like the whole "God's painting" feels a bit forced in that part. You could probably allude to it in an earlier part and then recall it there. For example:

But I wasn't focused on the leaves, I was focused on the sunset. Sunsets in autumn were my favorite. The beautiful oranges and pinks painted by God's hands. This moment my life seemed together, but it was far from it.

"Auburnfall..." A crisp breeze sent a shiver through my feathers, shattering the fragile peace that God's painting—the swirling, colored sky—had brought upon me for that precious moment. "You need a place to shelter..."

If that makes sense?

I also noticed you use a lot of ellipses. I would say I do get the use of them as they do impart a melancholic tone in the first person narrative, but I would just remind you to not overuse them.

Anyway, in this first chapter, we get to meet the protagonist: Auburnfall. Auburnfall so far gives me melancholic, somewhat gloomy vibes. She seems sad and it really seems like she has some burdens that she can't move on from. She also seems like she's been traumatized by her last experience with the coop, which I'm genuinely curious about. So that's one mystery for the first chapter.

This chapter also introduces the main conflict: looking for shelter. There's an immediate and obvious choice: the coop. But then the conflict is that Auburnfall has fear (and maybe trauma) and she needs to overcome it in order for her to go to the coop. Or would she just try to find another way? There's also stakes raised because we can see that it's almost winter now, with the hint of a snowflake at the end being ominous and all.