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'On these streets, one cannot go two feet without running into an old cigarette box or an empty syringe.'
#2: SEMICOLONS
The semicolon is used to separate two independent yet still related clauses. For example:
'Dady isn't this way; you said we were gonna go see him!'
You used a comma to separate these, which isn't strong enough to separate those. If you aren't sure where to put a semicolon, try putting a period. Periods and semicolons should be both grammatically correct in the same situation. Sometimes you used a semicolon where you should use a colon, and other times you used a comma where you should've used a semicolon.
ii. DIALOGUE
One thing I noticed is your dialogue tags after anything with special punctuation, like a question or exclamation marks. For example:
"I'll open my own door you incompetent twat!" She growls at the cab driver.
So even though the dialogue ends in special punctuation, you still need a lowercase on the dialogue tag. Example:
"I'll open my own door you incompetent twat!" she growls at the cab driver.
You should watch out for action tags. Action tags are sentences that indicate who is talking but they only have a description of the action, not the description of dialogue. The problem you have is sometimes you've got an action tag that is wrongfully indicating who is speaking:
"What if I tell you a cool story instead!" The small girl's eyes light up as she forgets about everything else.
So here the woman is talking, but the girl has the action tag, which technically indicates that she is speaking. So you've got some conflicting stuff here. To stop this from happening, you have to follow the focus rule, which says each new dialogue or action of a new character needs to be a new paragraph. So if you split that dialogue and the action tag up, t makes the action just action and not an action tag.
iii. TYPOS
You have a few typos that can disrupt your flow a little bit. For the most part, the errors I saw would be cleared up either by a simple spellcheck or a program like Grammarly. Or, another option is to get the text-to-speech and read the story out loud.
0 9 / 1 5
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i. PACING
I don't have any real problems with your pacing. Sometimes the story moves along without a lot of detail, which can make it feel like it's moving kind of fast. That, along with the omniscient and the present tense makes the story pretty quick. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something you should watch out for when you're trying to make something emotional. If we want to feel for any of these characters, we'll do that better if we have some time to settle into the story. Consider adding in a little bit of detail here and there. What are the characters feeling? What are they thinking? Just because you're omniscient doesn't mean you should completely pull back from the character's heads. Your chapters are also very long, and the first one has a lot of content in it. A lot of characters, a lot of storylines and a lot of worldbuilding. It was too much for me.
