Dreamland Review Archive

The Golden City (CY)

Example: For both humans and Illanoits alike. At the time, the humans were undergoing through the first world war, and the world was going through an pandemic. Plagues, deaths, bombs, shootings surrounded every house.

In the above, I'm not entirely sure what message you're trying to convey. The first sentence is incomplete, and doesn't tell us what it's referring to. I'm not quite sure if the wars and pandemic is happening on both or just one. There are a few more grammar mistakes in the rest of the sentence as well, so be sure to proofread your writing a little more.

Fixed: Struggle was present in both humans and Illanoits alike. The humans were facing their first world war, and the other world was taken by a pandemic. Plagues, death, bombs, and shootings surrounded every house.

Overall, your grammar isn't bad, but your phrasing needs some work, and all of it needs some serious proofing. The above are just suggestions, but if you take the ideas from them and apply them to the rest, I think your writing will definitely benefit!

Chapter by Chapter Review: 70/100

Introduction - This was definitely an interesting story part. It was written very well, and offers an interesting sneak peek into your story. The only issue I have is that it seems a bit distant, kind of like you're just offering bits and pieces of background info before your story begins. If you're going to have an introduction, make it meaningful and give readers plenty of reason to stick around. I'd definitely work on making it a little more exciting, especially since this is the first thing that your readers will actually read and think about.

Chapter 1 - This chapter begins with a description, one that's a bit run-on, so I'd definitely fix that. You quickly launch into your characters and their traits, but the transition from the talk about powers to the talk about her mother. Maybe you could elaborate a little more on the powers rather than launching into something new. I like the descriptions on how she met her friends, but again it could use some work and some more detail. I'm not quite sure if the first bolded locations is supposed to be a timestamp, indicating a new section of the chapter, but if so I think you can do without. I think it would be best to just jump right into the actual action, and if the location is vital, mention it in a smaller detail. As for the rest of them, I'd change it to something more simple, and be sure not to overuse them. Overall, this was a nice chapter, though there was a lot going on. I'm not quite sure how all the scenes add up, or even the puppy part was necessary. It just seemed like it was a back and forth narration of random events, so I think this chapter definitely needs some more planning.

*Extra note: you may be aware, but in modern times "orphanages" don't exist. It is rather a government-involved foster system, and it may benefit the modern tone of your story by having Kaimana come from a foster home instead.

Chapter 2 - Definitely an interesting development in the plot. Liz can't use her powers either, and now the mysterious Axel is messaging her. Your characterization is great, and reading about Liz has truly made me laugh. But there are a lot of issues with this chapter as well. It's easier to follow than the last, but your thoughts are very muddled. I didn't love the text conversation, thinking the different "emojis" from Axel were kinda weird, and I feel like a message conversation between two people who hadn't spoken for a while would be a lot more professional? I did, on the other hand, like he introduced it with casual talk about her past messages. But how did he get the answer key? Axel gave an answer, but it was quite confusing. And in a part soon after, why was Liz determined to get the teacher's phone? Teachers can sometimes just be lazy, it's not quite neglect if they ignore a class, nobody was dying. These few examples really, really need some clarification if you expect readers to keep up with what's going on.

Story Development: 75/100

For me, the biggest issue is the randomness of the plot. There's a lot going on, a lot that doesn't make sense, and a lot that isn't needed. I'd definitely recommend sitting down and writing out a plan for where your story is trying to go. Also, within the first two chapters, I expected to see something that connected it to the introduction. All we've got are powers, and no talk about how any of the girls received them, or their magical origins. I'd definitely start tying in this fantasy element of your book in pretty quickly, otherwise people looking for a fast paced fantasy might get bored. You want your readers to genuinely think that this story is an epic fantasy, that it's written well and has a great plot. You can do that by tying in your blurb and any other fantasy elements you have. So far, we've just got typical teen drama, with a side of superpowers.

Final Notes: 80/100

Despite all the flaws, you have true, writing potential, and this story can only improve from here. Just definitely keep developing your writing style, it's not quite as flowy as it needs to be, but you're close. The story needs a lot of work as well, but with some real planning and effort, it can be amazing.

Great job, and I look forward to reading more in the future. Thank you for choosing me as your reviewer!

-Cyprus