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What gives this blurb more personality? There are a few things. There is irony and a little touch of humour in the hook, and then you have this mix of punctuation—semicolons, dashes, the use of unique grammatical structures. I've spent a lot of time analyzing what makes tone and diction readable, and I find originality to be the main factor—readers like reading something that doesn't sound like everything else. In short, the original blurb feels like every other crisp, cool blurb in a bookstore—that's why I wanted to see something different in it. Again, this is picky. I admire your ability to make a clean blurb.
1 5 / 1 5
(did I say I was going to give one mark off on the blurb? yes. but the cover and title and overall impression were just too good to take any marks off. whatever. it's my review. I make the rules)
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i. PUNCTUATION
Grammarly is my friend. I've known her for a long time, I love her, I see use in her, and I couldn't live without her. But sometimes she's just so stupid. She makes these dumb mistakes and corrects or underlines things that aren't wrong. Sometimes it's right—but the problem with Grammarly is that it lacks critical thinking. (I don't know if you've made this mistake because you do use Grammarly, but I'm blaming it either way.) If you use Grammarly, you have to remember that it is not always right. You and your brain are smarter, and you need to check its work. Look at this sentence from your writing:
"Although, she's my sister, Amielle's young. She still doesn't know what should and shouldn't be said."
The comma there are 'although' is correct in Grammarly's mind, because it exists after an introductory phrase. But it's wrong and if you include it, the sentence makes no sense. The use of those two commas actually implies that 'she's my sister' (the middle clause) is nonessential, even though it completely changes the meaning here. You're trying to say that even though she's his sister, she's still young and doesn't always know what to say. But grammatically speaking, you've said that although she's young, she doesn't always know what to say, oh and also she's his sister—and that simple relocation of the 'although' causes the sentence to make no sense.
I always try to explain these things to authors, but really you don't need to know why that comma can't be there. You just need to read the sentence out loud and see if you pause after you say although. You wouldn't—you would say, "Although she's my sister, she's young." 'Although she's my sister' is a clause, and you've split it.
Similarly, Grammarly tells us to put a comma after 'so' when it comes first in a sentence. Is it...right? Well, kinda. But WHO TALKS LIKE THIS:
"So, that's it?"
NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT. You wouldn't go, "so," pause, "that's it?" You would say, "So that's it?" I have listened to and presented speeches all over the world and never once heard a human being pause after 'so' like that. I'm sorry. Just...don't trust Grammarly. Be wary of her. I don't even know if you use her, but your commas after introductory phrases are disrupting your flow. Think critically if you need them. Did you breathe after 'so'? No? Then get rid of that stupid little pesky little annoying stupid little comma.
