Dreamland Review Archive

Frenemies By Choice (CY)

Edited: Keenan's asking to be suspended, and based on the principal's horrid expression, there's a high chance he will be.

Those might seem like minor changes, and they are, but read this sentence versus the old. Which one flows better? In my opinion, it's the one with less words. Sure, a few extra words every now and then mean nothing, but again, they add up. Using contractions (in this case: an 's instead of is) really helps. I've also found that it fits better if you change suspension into a verb rather than having it as an object. Just my opinion, but it makes the sentence feel less awkward. Remember these little suggestions and apply them to the rest of your story. It takes constant proofing to make EVERYTHING perfect, and even then, you still miss a few things.

Original: "If there's one thing that's unacceptable in this school other than your attitude, Mr. Kimmel, is school violence."

I will take the above sentence to address two things: repetition, and making use of different punctuation to better your writing. In the above sentence, you have the word school practically back to back, which is a no in my book. Sure, this is dialogue and it doesn't matter too much since people aren't perfect when they talk, but the point of dialogue in a book is to make it enjoyable. Always try to avoid using the same word twice in close proximity. It makes the sentence seem repetitive, so stick to synonyms or removing extra words to make it flow better.

Edited: "If there's one thing that's unacceptable in this school—other than your attitude, Mr. Kimmel—it's violence."

The weird long dash things above are called "em-dashes," and are used to indicate a sudden change in speaking or thought. It also kind of sets off a phrase in a sentence (and looks way cooler than commas) giving it more emphasis. I think it makes the dialogue more meaningful with the em-dashes. I also just removed the second school in accordance to what I was saying about repetition before.

Original: Well the thing is, "My parents are dead." Yeah, that.

In this situation, the dialogue doesn't fit well into the text. This is a great line and can be so much better with a very simple edit.

Edited: Well, the thing is… "My parents are dead." Yeah, that.

In this example I've also shown you a great way to use elipses (...). It also helps add emphasis to this great line, and the comma didn't work. It also helps set off the phrase since our MC isn't the one saying it. Also remember to take advantage of Wattpad's italics for special words and EXTRA emphasis.

Original: I'm five minutes late but luckily for me, the teacher didn't arrive yet.

Okay, minor tense error above. Your story is in present tense, so make extra sure that you stick to it! The didn't should be a hasn't.

Edited: I'm five minutes late, but luckily the teacher hasn't arrived yet.

Original: I know that if his food has certain peas, he'll pick them out one by one until his food is completely clean and purified of them.

Above, the phrase 'completely clean and purified of them' is super awkward. It's repetitive, and could just be so much better. This little detail is helping illustrate the closeness Kate once had with Keenan, so it's very important to make it short and sweet!

Edited: I know that if his food contains certain peas, he'll pick them out one by one until his food is uncontaminated.

By using uncontaminated, you kind of keep the little funny idea that it makes Keenan's food impure, but it's worded a lot less awkwardly.