Dreamland Review Archive

Holy Spirits (CLO)

III. Blurb

Loving this blurb! I really get to see those concepts of the High Fantasy with "secret world full of..." and the biblical references with the angels and demons. Though I will say, I am usually not drawn to Biblical or just overall religious references for stories as much as I used to be (just my overall mood for reading); so, I am curious to see how I will feel with this story. I love a good High Fantasy (I have one that I am writing currently), so I am happy to continue reading on. Regarding the blurb's core, it had a strong start and enticing ending; yet the paragraphs that started with "Now, thrown..." & "Along the way..." felt a bit too dry for me, not sure if that is the word I was looking for. Like I can see what the story will offer, but these feel too much of just straight-up telling rather than using artistic approach or utilizing diction to build a description of the world. I feel that the paragraph starting with "Now, thrown..." could have been developed more into being mysterious and hinting at danger rather than telling us. Same goes for the "Along the way..." paragraph.

IV. First Sentences

A strong beginning. I am using the Prologue as my first sentences, so don't mind me. I will say, it is a very well-developed sentence that speaks to the motif of light & darkness, as well as a bit of how the atmosphere will be affected by such.

Though, I do have a note. With the last part of the sentence, "...like always," I felt it could be stronger. The sentence has good structure to it of some eeriness or development, just I personally felt the last part "like always" is a bit of throwing the sentence out. If you continued a bit more with more eeriness or fantasy elements, I think the first sentences would be perfect! Not completely sure what I think could work, but I just feel the last part of the sentence lacked a bit with the rest of the sentence.

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Shall we begin? SO. You just requested for pretty much a general look at the story!

To start us off, I just wanted to note how I am happy you made sure to stick with the type of tense you are writing in (past). It can be challenging at times to ensure you stick with the tense without mixing them up too much. The prologue actually works for me, not going to lie! I feel that it fits the purpose of a prologue and kind of happy this was set as a prologue instead of a chapter as it develops description of the atmosphere and Headmaster. Overall, with the prologue, I seriously loved it. It was so easy to read, didn't have me struggling with complexity of vocabulary, description of behaviors was showing and not telling (a REALLY good thing), and it felt super solid. I like how it felt so properly edited, just line to the line edits, plot edits, etc. It felt so well edited and, as to what I could see, felt like it had no errors. Great work!

The first perspective, interesting choice. I notice with fantasy that it can be hard to do a first person POV since you don't get a crazy amount of room to expand as an observer to describe the land, but I love a 1st person POV. So far, we get to really see the MC's psychological standpoint and her attitude, which is SO crucial within the first person POV (you achieved this beautifully). The opening paragraphs are beautifully crafted and keen to wordplay, your writing style is satisfying to look at and I enjoyed reading this chapter. The attention to detail is keenly placed and, to me, didn't come off as information dumping which can be a struggle that arises. Writers can get lost in being descriptive that it grows to being overly done, dry, and/or taking too much time away from the plot; but with this chapter, I felt you didn't care about these issues in this chapter and executed writing perfectly. I wish I could write and have such cleanliness in the writing like yourself!!! Furthermore, the connection between Cece and Tabitha was developed very well from the beginning to the end of the chapter.

I do have a quick note for you (since I literally can't say anything bad about the story lol), I would try to put Cece's inner thoughts in italics. I do them in my story and it is designed to ensure that there is a clear understanding of one's inner thoughts apart from their observation or dialogue to the exterior world (rather than the interior thoughts).

Now that I think about it (I saw this comment at the bottom and it actually got me thinking), I do understand your point of keeping it realistic as a thought process, such as Cece's, would act this way; but I still feel like the commenter makes the most sense. Keeping in mind that this story is in 1st POV, we need to understand that 1st person is designed to explore all inner thoughts of the MC. But what we also want to ensure that we know is that we are telling a story and don't want to become too repetitive with our storytelling (unless it is for like theme, motif, tone, etc. purposes). You can keep it the way you have it as I can see both sides of the ideas, but it is good to keep into account how people will act with their thoughts. Usually with people's thinking, if they feel something constantly and repetitively, it will grow to a point of normalization, and they don't keep thinking about "ugh another one of these" or something like that. Not sure if this made sense, so let me know if you want more clarification.

Overall, I seriously am lost for words. Not you saying, "you can be as brutal as you like!" I am trying and seriously can't say anything bad about this!!! It has been a while since I truly felt shocked at a beautiful story, and I seriously see it here. You spend a great deal of time crafting the storyline and I adored that! It seriously pays off, so please be proud of yourself for that.

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Now for my takeaway. I like to keep these short and sweet for you to be able to come back to and just quickly see what you might want to take from this review.

1. Improvements to help:

a. Making the MC's or narrator's thoughts in italics to show a shift from exterior observations to interior thoughts.

b. Optional: Revisiting the inner thoughts the narrator has to make sure to understand the principles of normalization in psychological aspects

c. Optional: Developing a lot of those fantasy elements (especially if you call it a High Fantasy) for intriguing purposes. I know it can be too soon, so it's completely up to you.

2. My personal opinions of the work:

a. Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! Beautifully crafted, love the writing style, clean of errors and well-developed characters. Just blown away!

And that is all I have to say. I really enjoyed my reading. If anything, you can message me through PM or through here (you will have to tag me for me to get the notification) for any additional coverage that you would like me to discuss. That is all from me for now!

Have a great day and hope you enjoy this little review of mine. Let me know your thoughts, questions, and clarification notes!!!