Dreamland Review Archive

Worst Intentions (T)

i. PUNCTUATION

#1: COMMAS

Your commas, semicolons and other punctuation are excellent and virtually error-free! I've found only one persistent error for you to fix, although it doesn't affect the writing much. I'd recommend looking for this problem when you go in to edit other things since it's not something to really worry about much now. When you have an introductory phrase, you often don't use the comma required to introduce the clause. Here's an example:

'For the longest time I didn't know how to function without her.'

So breaking down this sentence, 'for the longest time' is an introductory phrase, and 'I didn't know how to function without her' is the independent clause. Therefore, the comma needs to be in between the two:

'For the longest time, I didn't know how to function without her.'

Here's another example from your writing:

'A few short months ago I was the good girl.'

So here is the exact same situation as above, with the same solution. Just add a comma there before the independent clause and call it a day.

#2: THE DASH

The last thing I'd like to mention here is your avoidance of the dash. So yes, I'm a little overly obsessed with the dash and you'd be valid to say overusing it is a definitive quality of my style. However, you use it so little that I'm beginning to see places where sentences would end up far clearer if they had a dash introduced. Dashes are limited to creative writing, so if you were going the more academic route, you'd have to use a few more semicolons where a creative writer would use a dash, or split sentences up with the good old period.

ii. VERB ENDINGS

Another small logistical error I'd like to mention here: I notice you tend to include a lot of different forms of verbs in one sentence. Here's an example:

'The warm-looking furniture that already existed in the teal room appears to be as old as the building the holds it, nothing about it easing my nerves of having to spend the night in here.'

So first you have the simple past tense verb 'existed' and then you have the simple present tense verb 'appears' before having the present participle verb 'easing'. This isn't ideal. The rule is, generally, that if you're creating separate timelines, then you can use them together in a sentence, but you'd be best off separating them with some form of punctuation. However, you don't have two separate timelines here—you almost have one with the furniture, but not quite in my opinion.

I identified the verbs as the problem here because I began with scientific style writing, but I noticed the problem because I felt it disrupted something with the creative flow of the story. What I mean to bring to your attention with those facts is that many native English (creative) writers will feel as though something is wrong with the sentence above, but they won't really know why, and they'll decide they just don't really like your style for other reasons. That's how I justify bringing it up despite it being a very minimal and oddly specific problem.

So fixing the problem is easy—just change all the verbs to the same tense and form:

'The warm-looking furniture that already exists in the teal room appears to be as old as the building the holds it; nothing about it eases my nerves of having to spend the night in here.'