Project You

Chapter 1

When you're an only child with a shitload of responsibility's, you learn how to be so independent that you forget that being dependent in certain situations isn't actually bad.

You forget that asking for help is even an option, that having other people looking out for you is actually normal, and sometimes, people really just want to help you, not expecting anything in return, just from the goodness of their hearts.

Something as little as asking for help for example. That shouldn't be bad, it should be a way of life, something you do when you're seriously in need, when you stumble and need a hand to get back up, you look to someone, and you let them help you.

And for some, like me, loneliness becomes your state of mind, you see it everywhere as normal, alone at the movies, alone at home, alone in your bed, alone in class.

Loneliness is not where you are, it's something you become, because theres still people around you, but it doesn't feel like they are actually there.

It feels like you're alone.

And the loneliness becomes your normal.

It works this way, I was always here for myself, I kept myself safe, I handled myself, I thought I didn't need no one. At least thats how I felt, how I thought.

In the mornings from Monday to Friday I was a fine arts college student maintaining good grades, not the best in the class but good enough, on evenings from Monday to Wednesday I was a library clerk at my college and Thursday to Saturday I was usually a kids from ages 7 to 12 private home tutor as well as a babysitter for kids ages 4 to 12.

Then Sundays, I was just me.

On Sundays I was just Adrienne.

Adrienne who read books and loved painting. Adrienne who liked black tea with two sugars and a little bit of milk, less than a teaspoon because I don't like the taste. Adrienne who laid in bed and stared at book covers for hours, imagining what it would be like to design one.

I loved books. I loved thick novels. I loved the most fictional fiction. I loved love. But only in books.

That was me, Adrienne Eva Faye.

A simple human, who liked simple things like being alone and locked away from every other living person. Or maybe I convinced myself that I liked it, Im not too sure.

My whole life people were too much for me to handle, too loud, too rude, too much. Too damn much. Maybe that's why most days I felt like I was too little.

"Eva." One of the kids I tutored says from beside me and I looked to her, blinking away from my thoughts as I hummed softly with a nod to assure her I was listening, no longer floating around in my head.

I let the kids call me by my second name. Eva. Since it was easier to pronounce, and plus a lot would tell me Adrienne was a boy's name. I'd alway reply saying it was a unisex name, but then i'd had to explain what unisex was and that always seemed to confuse them and if I had to explain a name for longer than five minutes, i'd probably end up in my car, driving home, moneyless.

"Is this correct?" The nine year old asked me and I looked to what she'd written down on her small whiteboard, 6 multiplied by 4 equals 24.

I smiled at her, nodding at her six multiplications that were all correct and she grinned a wide toothy grin.

"Yay!" She said, doing a little dance in her seat, "I used to suck at my six times tables." She told me honestly as she wiped out the board she'd used beside her with her surprisingly tiny hand.