Dreamland Review Archive

The Gunner and the Florist (T)

i. PACING/TRANSITIONS

Don't use timeskips in your first few chapters. (timeskips = ways of breaking up chapters with a design or such) I know that will require some hell of an editing headache to rid of, so use your own judgement on if you think my reasoning is valid. An insightful reader of my book just reminded me today that the most important and valid opinion in my story is mine, and in your story, it's yours. But I am supposed to be giving my opinion here. I just want to make sure that you're thinking critically about what I'm about to say.

First chapters are harsh--every word is meant to entice your reader to just read one sentence further. You hold their attention--especially in the cruel world of Wattpad--on a desperately small string. Mature readers want something they can follow, something that is solid and delivers what they want. Timeskips are an excellent way to break their concentration and give them a reason to go get a snack, check their phone, and essentially never come back to your book again. In my mind, timeskips are the writer immediately chopping up their story to avoid the work of connecting it; timeskips stem a bit from lazy writing. When we deem a scene too boring, we put a timeskip and skip it. But what could we learn from the characters there? Is there a way to smoothen this transition while passing the same time without simply smacking a timeskip there to avoid the work?

Don't use a timeskip in the first chapter, and don't use it in at least the first three chapters. This is the same reason I stand by longer chapters, especially longer first chapters. Capture my attention and keep it. That's how you get long-term readers that see your book for the mastery it is. In my opinion, people that want short, choppy chapters are those that lack both the focus and persistence required to follow any great story. Game of Thrones? Lord of the Rings? Any incredible adventure requires heavy chapters. And the classics--the ones that have shaped literature--War and Peace, Atlas Shrugged--those are often the most difficult to read at all. Incredible books all shun one thing: laziness from the reader. Even on Wattpad, try not to cater to lazy readers. Don't skip scenes you deem to be too boring for the initial chapters but could provide essential information about your characters. This isn't an action-packed movie with crashing cars and no plot. This is a story.

That's why I like the length and depth of your chapters, but I hate that you're splitting them with a timeskip. I'm not saying to never use a timeskip, I'm just saying not to use them too much. If you absolutely need to skip a scene where something has happened that is boring, then do so. But try to see if that boring scene could possibly add something to the story in a way you didn't think of before, or if there is a smoother way to demonstrate the transitions.

I hate your timeskips, but I do love the rest of your pacing. You've moved along this story at a rate that is both interesting but not overwhelming. You either have the natural talent of exposition, or you've perfected your ability to present new information.

Let's move on from timeskips, because I think I've murdered that horse over and over again. I expressed how important transitions are before, and now I'd like to express how incredibly well you end and begin your chapters. Every one is new, exciting, and consists of its own story.

ii. AWKWARD SENTENCES

Most awkward sentences happen because of an overuse of commas, but they can also happen because of the overuse of prepositions. Look at this one here:

'Lennox murmured, saying exactly what was expected of him, and his mother strutted away into the madness outside without another glance, vying to get away.'

So above you just have too many commas, and they're making an awkward sentence. Here are some ways to fix those:

Split up the sentence. Putting in a period is usually the easiest way to get rid of something awkward. You can also put in a semicolon or a dash to assist with this.