Dreamland Review Archive

The Gunner and the Florist (T)

'slapped twenty Euros on the counter.'

This isn't independent, and there are two ways to explain why. The easy explanation: it doesn't make sense on its own, and it doesn't form a complete thought. The gritty explanation: the lack of a subject in this clause makes it actually not a clause, but rather a phrase. Definitely not independent.

Therefore, the comma you have before the conjunction 'and' is incorrect. This is the biggest problem I found with your commas, and the one most worth fixing.

#3: THE DASH

If you've read a single one of my reviews, you knew this was coming. The dash is...it's lovely, and you never use it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again--the dash is the most effective way of making your tone unique. The dash is the one, singular writing tool that draws a firm line between creative and academic writing. Use it. USE IT.

Here's a place where the dash would work well:

'Well, you would need a bouquet with geraniums--for stupidity--as well as foxglove for insecurity, a couple of meadowsweet for uselessness, and last but not least: orange lilies to symbolize hatred.'

Before, you had a lot of commas in here, and it was just a lot for my brain to separate. The dash is so much clearer than a comma, and it just...use it. Its usefulness is unparalleled. It's for cutting yourself off--either in dialogue or narration--and it allows for clarification mid-sentence while establishing tone. USE IT.

#4: THE SEMICOLON

The semicolon is used to separate two independent yet still related clauses. We've mentioned it here before. You're not quite using it right. Remember: independent clauses must contain both a subject and a verb. Look here:

'Soon enough, the time came to close the shop, and Lennox left the upper level for the lower recess of the building, delving into the basement in which he lived; far away from his parents' squabbles.'

So here you've put that semicolon in the middle of a clause. To make this correct, you would just take it out entirely, no other punctuation is required. But you could put a dash there if you want to stick to that pause.

ii. DIALGOUE

Wow, your dialogue is done well. I see your dialogue tags switch from front to back for both ease of reading and flow, and I also see you forgoing dialogue tags for action tags--which, in my opinion, are both more smooth and create a better story. Not everyone may agree with that--I've had people tell me I horribly overuse action tags--but I stand firm that they indicate a far more advanced and direct story without all these 'saids' that don't further character development nor description. I think you've done a very good job here.

iii. TYPOS

Your biggest typo? The random extra spaces behind periods. If you're an older writer, you might have a habit of double spacing because the typewriter usually required them. If that's the case, as it is with my mother, I'll share her tip: she simply uses the search feature to replace all double spaces with single ones. If you're my age and offended I've compared you to a fifty-three-year-old, then it's probably just a typo here and there. But you can do the same search technique to get rid of them.

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