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Ren, on the other hand, is one of those that should be thriving. He's constantly praised by his leader, and victory for the slightly sadistic Crimson Syndicate is on its way. He should, by all means, be thriving in every sense of the word. But he's beginning to realize that Lennox and his family may be the only way to stop the unravelling of success and sanctum before his eyes.
One is the gunner, and one is the florist.
So here we have a little more of a refined format. We have two divisions, and we've split your mains into two categories, then ended with something that connects back to the title. You might be able to do better than that, but you get the idea.
Either way, I think you need to do some work on the blurb. I'd like to point out that it is very good where it stands, but it has the potential to be ironed out a little following the points above.
1 2 / 1 5
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i. PUNCTUATION
#1: THE COMMA SPLICE
The comma splice is basically the use of a comma between two independent clauses, which splits the sentence in two in a way that is not grammatically correct. Here's an example of one in your writing:
'I have some friends to meet, I'll be back before dinner.'
There are a few solutions for the comma splice. So if you notice here, both of these sentences are independent. That is, they make sense if you put a period between. That's one of the options, but putting periods in to fix all your comma splices would make everything really choppy. You could add in a conjunction with a comma, but that doesn't always work, and I don't think it would work well with the one above, hence why I've chosen it for this example. In this case, you're best off using a semicolon, which is used for exactly this situation: clauses that are linked, but independent. So the correction would look like this:
'I have some friends to meet; I'll be back before dinner.'
#2: THE COMMA
Your biggest comma problem is the use of commas before conjunctions. Let's pull out the conjunction rule:
A comma is only placed before a conjunction if both clauses that are being connected are independent.
So that basically means you are using a comma and conjunction in place of somewhere you could also use a semicolon or even a period. Here's an example:
'A few hours after his mother's absence, a new presence dashed in, and slapped twenty Euros on the counter.'
Let's take a look at that second clause there and separate it from the first:
