Loving a Dangerous Life (editing)

Chapter 39 - It's War Time, Motherfuckers

I don't know how long it's been.

As soon as I woke up those years ago, I was tied to a chair. Ivor was standing above me, and he started punching me, hurting me. I didn't let the pain show, and that pissed him off even more. He wanted to see me screaming on the floor, but I wouldn't let him have the satisfaction.

So he tied me up, making guards hold me still as he experimented.

How much blood could a human lose before they passed out?

How many times does it take for someone to scream after being stabbed in different places?

How many times can a person be whipped until their skin peels off?

How many times can the cut on my face be re-opened until it stops bleeding completely?

I was the subject of each one of his fucked up science experiments. Every second of every day, every single atom in my body hurt. It hurt so much it's all I could think about. I couldn't sleep when he left me alone. I couldn't eat when food was offered. I couldn't move on my own. My own screams echoed in my mind.

I was helpless, just a subject to torture.

I could feel myself mentally detaching from the situation. Dark, dark thoughts that I had only ever gotten once before plagued me again. Thoughts I only ever got when I was being raped. Thoughts of pushing Ivor hard enough that he killed me. Thoughts of stealing one of the knives and slitting my neck. I couldn't shake them. I was becoming more and more willing to just hang like a puppet instead of fighting back and it was because I was losing hope. I can't see any way out of this excruciating pain, this torture. I couldn't see the end.

I want to die.

Zenna tried to help me. She feeds me and gives me water, but most of it wouldn't stay down. She tried to dress me, but then Ivor would come back in, and the clothes would be covered in blood and hanging off of my broken body in shards.

I finally gave in and told Zenna to call Alex with a voice so weak I didn't recognize it. When I heard his voice, it was like he gave me the strength to endure the pain. I told him to not come after me, but I felt so guilty because I needed him to find me, to rescue me.

It was almost as if my mind and body had been separated. I could feel each time I moved or was hit with hypersensitivity, but my mind didn't register it. I was like a ghost, floating above my own body but unable to escape.

It felt like it had been three lifetimes when Zenna finally got permission to let me down from the chains and let me shower. She let me lean on her as she turned on the shower, the cold water its own torture. I placed my hand on the wall and slid down to sit on the floor, my legs too weak to support myself. The water around me turned dark red with the blood. I stared at the opposite wall as Zenna washed my hair.

I don't deserve her kindness, her friendship. She is so good, so kind, so pure. I don't deserve her.

"Thank you," I whispered. Zeena sniffed, and I looked back at her, gritting my teeth and the pain that shot through my body at the simple movement. "What's wrong?" I uttered, my voice quiet and weak. Zenna shook her head.

"Just give me a second." She said. I nodded.

"Of course." Zeena walked out of the bathroom and I watched the water around me go from dark red to pink to clear on the dirty tile. I watched as all the new cuts and bruises on my abused body were rinsed underwater, the new stories mapping my skin.

Everything hurts. I've felt pain before, but not to this extent.

I want to die.

Suddenly an unbearable pain hit my stomach. I cried out, clutching at it.