Loving a Dangerous Life (editing)

Chapter 34 - To Many Things

I had my flight booked already.

And I had a plan.

It was a shit plan.

I never have good plans, let's be honest.

I threw some basic clothes into my suitcase, including that damn sweatshirt of Alex's. His ring was still around my neck, and I grabbed a little bit of his cash. I hoped that the Mafia would handle the fact that I wasn't going to be able to get through the airport security with all my weapons. There is always someone from the Mafia working at the airport, so I should be fine.

I felt like I was always running from my problems, but this time I was running toward them.

And this time, I was going to kill him.

The hardest part was leaving Alex. I forced myself to write another note, the tears staining it again.

This time, I knew that I wouldn't see him again.

I knew that I was going to die.

The funny thing is that, four months ago, I would have loved to die. I would have welcomed death with a smile, and I would have walked the path to Hell, grinning because I was finally free from the numbness. But now I had something, someone to live for. It was the most bittersweet realization in my life.

They say that your first love always stays with you, and Alex always will. He will always drive me crazy, and he will always make me want to live. Alex will always make me believe in love, and if I am fortunate to see him in Hell, then I will finally be complete. He was once something that I had stood against, and once upon a time, the thought of loving him had never crossed my mind, but now?

Now I couldn't imagine not loving him.

Alex made me see that love is worth it. I used to shut everyone out when I was a kid, even before I was raped. I just didn't trust anyone, because they would always hurt me. Alex had made me see that being hurt by someone will never compare to the pain of having no one.

For almost ten years, I had no one, nothing holding me to this life. I had basic humane interactions, but no one knew my name, and no one gave a shit. I can't remember much before that besides simple things.

Until that bomb.

And it's ironic because bombs are supposed to blow lives apart, but this one fixed me. It lead me to Alex, the man I was supposed to kill.

And it lead Alex to me- the girl that had no one and nothing, that he was supposed to kill.

I finished the letter, almost cringing at how cheesy I thought it was. This felt so familiar to what I did a few nights back, and if this nausea and fatigue would go away, it would be the same. I blamed the sick feeling on the fact that I was running again.

With that, I snuck out the door, jumping in Alex's car and speeding down the roads. I pulled the SIM card out of my phone, tossing it in the back seat of the car so that Alex could get his car back. I pulled the sleeves of my sweater down over my fingers, whipping the tears off of my face.

This is going to be hard.

It took me an hour to get to the airport. I had four hours before the plane took off, so I curled up in my chair. I closed my eyes, the tears burning in my throat. My head kept hurting, and I couldn't figure out why.

That damned song kept coming into my mind.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

It's so fucking bittersweet that he came into my life. He gave me everything to gain and yet everything to lose.

I tried to think of something besides Alex but miserably failed.

When it came time to board the plane, I almost didn't. I almost ran out of the airport. My mind was battling with itself in a war that wouldn't end until I died. One part of me wanted to steal away Alex and hide him in a place far, far away from the beginnings of what looks like a war. That part of me wanted the world to destroy itself while I held Alex. The other part of me knew that the best way to protect Alex was to go to my Boss.

I sat in the back of the plane, by the window. It was a short flight, but with every mile, my heart broke, even more, my head got dizzier, and my stomach started reeling.

My nausea got so bad that I finally got up and went to the bathroom. I sat there, thinking.

Why did it feel so bad?

Fuck me in the ass.

I didn't take the pill for over a week, and then we fucked.

Shit...

My head hurt and my stomach was doing flip-flops. I tried to convince myself that I was just overthinking it, but there is a possibility that I could be fucking pregnant.

I went back to my seat, my mind working overtime. Could this get any worse?

The plane landed, and I immediately rushed off, barely remembering to get my suitcase. I felt guilty as I pushed through the crowds of people. What they must think of me, a girl running through the airport, looking for a shop that had pregnancy tests.

Just to make sure. You can never be too sure.

I finally found one, throwing the cash onto the counter and running into the nearest bathroom. I peed on it, praying that this was just a jumpscare. I couldn't place any other reason that I would be so sick. I paced back and forth in the airport bathroom, the nervousness chewing away at me like my teeth worried at my lip. I jumped at a boom of thunder that sounded through the place.

How could I be so fucking dumb!

I accidentally slammed my hand into the counter at all the overwhelming emotions, scaring the other people that were there. I looked around guilty. A gorgeous flight attendant approached me, the dark purple of her uniform setting off her brown skin and black hair perfectly. She walked with a certain calm confidence, even when she probably thought I was a deranged lunatic.

"Are you okay, Ma'am?" She asked. I looked at her, tears spilling out of my eyes despite myself.

"Yeah, just waiting." I pointed to the test. Her eyes widened with realization, and she grabbed my shaking hands. I nearly flinched away at that, since I was still unused to anyone but Alex touching me.

"Hey, it's okay, we are all here for you." She comforted. I pursed my lips together, trying and miserably failing not to cry.

I couldn't hold it in anymore, and I sobbed from all the stress of tonight. The woman hugged me and stroked my back as I cried. Others joined. Some of them were crying with me.

"It's time." The flight attendant said. I pulled away from her, slowly nodding. I wiped my tears away, slowly walking towards the test on shaking legs.

If I have a baby, it makes it that much harder to go to my Boss. It makes it that much harder for me to leave Alex behind.

"I can't do this," I whispered, giving up for the first fucking time in my life. I felt so weak, so dirty. The flight attendant told someone to read it for me as she came closer to me, hugging me like a friend.

I don't deserve her comfort.

The girl picked it up, and her eyes widened.

"Positive."