Loving a Dangerous Life (editing)

Chapter 36 - Emotions

I have a life inside of me. There is no way to go around it. I have a little life in me.

The flight attendant helped me to get a rental car, and she gave me her number so that I could call her. Everything flew by me like a dream.

I felt too many emotions.

I was happy, so happy because I have a baby. But I was so angry that I would never see it. Then so sad because my baby is going to grow up without a mom- if I even live enough to help it onto this world. I pulled over to the gas station and grabbed a burner phone. I purchased it and typed Alex's number in.

He deserves to know that he's a dad.

I texted one simple sentence, knowing that I was already making this hell. I felt so guilty for all that I was putting him through.

You're going to be a dad.

I sighed and put the phone in the passenger seat. I almost wanted to see what was said. I leaned against the steering wheel, tears uncontrollably dripping down my face.

How did it get this bad? How am I supposed to handle this, this baby, when I was going to be dead within the week? How am I supposed to know what to do when I've never so much slept in the same bed as one of my fucks before Alex? How am I, a trained fucking killer expected to just waltz into my death? How am I supposed to make this easy for Alex?

I felt exploited, dirty, and used in the worst possible ways. I was angry at the world and people. I was angry at my sister for not taking up her end of that deal. I was angry at my sister for kissing Alex in front of me, even if it was her mission. I was angry because I loved Alex and yet here I was planning to walk into his father's base, offer myself up for death, and somehow kill said father along the way.

God, Alex has some serious daddy issues.

I sighed, telling myself to pull my shit together. My fingers shook as they gipped the wheel to the car, but I didn't care.

I drove and drove, only stopping for gas and shit food. Might as well stuff this piggy up for the wolf.

I didn't look at the phone, but it chimed so many times.

I drove until I found the base, and then I kept driving. I didn't want to see that place yet.

I'll go die a slow, painful, torturous death tomorrow.

I pulled up onto a dirt road and sat in the car, switching the radio from whatever station that was playing adds to one that played music. It was instrumental at first, but then the chorus came in and I almost broke down.

This song seems to be my song. No, not my song. Our song.

And if you hurt me

Well, that's okay, baby, only words bleed.

Inside these pages, you just hold me.

And I won't ever let you go.

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me

Under the lamppost back on Sixth street

Hearing you whisper through the phone.

"Wait for me to come home."

I don't want to die. I want to go home.

I looked up at the sky, seeing the shattered specks of light through my tears that were the stars. I picked up the phone.

Oh my fucking god, Audrey! Come back, please.

I'm a dad?

Princess, please don't leave.