Dreamland Review Archive

The Time Trilogy (T)

iii. STRUCTURE

The structure of your sentences was a little problematic. Every sentence appeared to be crafted in the same way. I did this, I did that. It was very simple. When you're writing creatively, make sure to switch up the structure of your sentences to really make that story flow as best as you can. You can also go for more complex sentences to keep it interesting.

iii. PACING

Because of the info-dumping, your pacing ends up lagging a lot. There needs to be more happening in between all the explanations to keep us interested and focused. That way, the info will be introduced more naturally as well.

0 4 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

As with your general information, you also have a description info-dumping problem. Let's look at this description of Emma:

'She was wearing an unbuttoned blue plaid shirt, a red t-shirt underneath, and black tight jeans. Her golden-brown hair was curled with some strands resting in front of her shoulders. She didn't wear any makeup, but she was still gorgeous.'

So to start, you shouldn't give this much info on her current appearance all at once, but that's a personal opinion. But if you are going to give so much info, you need to find a way to refine it and make it unique. I could find all of those sentences above in plenty of Wattpad books. 

I use a rule I call the 'two-to-one-ratio'. What that means is for every two physical descriptions I give, I give an emotional description as well. It increases the flow and makes the story more natural.

So inputting that into your description of Emma. This is what I would like to see from your writing:

'She was a humble type of gorgeous, with a clear face and a simple outfit: tight black jeans and a red t-shirt underneath a plaid blue shirt. Her hair was golden-brown, curled and framing her relaxed expression.'

So that's better, but it's not what I would write. For starters, I never describe a whole outfit if it can't be refined down to a few words. Second, I would do way more emotional description. I don't really know who Emma is yet, so keep in mind I'm just making stuff up here. But this is what I would write:

'Emma was a detailed person. You could see it just by looking at her--the way her red undershirt had all the threads in place, the way her shoes were unscuffed. She was gorgeous without the assistance of makeup, her golden curls shining in the sunlight I knew she loved.'

There's more depth to this description, and we immediately get a feel of who this character is. I have numerous descriptive examples in my reviews for you to look at, and I also have the third chapter of my book that is heavily descriptive with new characters. I'd recommend checking both options out to strengthen this area of your writing.

ii. SCENES

Your scene description is lacking in the senses. We don't get a lot of smell, touch and sound. We don't get a lot of visuals, either. Scene description is a touchy area, so make sure you're careful to keep the description in an area that remains smooth and descriptive but not overkill.

0 5 / 1 0

i. PLOT

I can't judge plot too harshly, but I like yours so far. It seems original enough, and there's a lot of potential for the characters to grow from the issues they encounter. I haven't seen anything like this on Wattpad, either, so that's awesome! The first two chapters create a bit of a disconnected plot because we have some timeline-hopping but perhaps that's on brand.

ii. TONE

In my opinion, I don't love the tone because it's very straightforward and simple, with not a ton of dramatics or literary devices. If you want to increase the originality of it, then try to do some dappling in things like metaphors and similies. These are the things that make creative writing creative. Comparisons, irony, exaggeration--they drive a story.

0 7 / 1 0

There are definitely ways this story can be improved or enhanced, but it has potential in the originality of the plot and the creativity in the characters. I was impressed in the lack of grammatical errors and your clear understanding of dialogue. The flow of the story could use work, but overall I enjoyed reviewing this story!

3 2 / 6 0