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You don't struggle with a lot of comma errors, but there were a few. I get the sense that you know the rules but just suffer the occasional oversight. Just make sure you extensively edit those out. I would suggest that you use more dashes in place of a comma as well.
ii. TENSE ERRORS
Perhaps your most glaring logistical error is the tense switch-ups. I'm still unsure if you're writing in present tense or past because you jump around so much. You need to pick one and stay there. I believe you're in past tense most of the time, and in my opinion, that's the most effective writing you do. I would comb through your story and make sure you have those errors worked out.
Examples from your book:
"I haven't talked to her today."--chapter 2, present tense
"I saw her by the gate.' --chapter 2, past tense
There are numerous examples of this happening through the beginning chapters. It will take a lot of work to fix this throughout the entire book trilogy, but it will drastically improve the flow and convenience of the story.
iii. DIALOGUE
I don't see any major issues with dialogue except the mistake of using an action tag as a dialogue tag. Example from chapter 2:
"Slow down there," she laughed.
'she laughed' is not a dialogue tag, since it does not describe the way the dialogue is being spoken; it is an action tag. Correction:
"Slow down there." She laughed.
0 9 / 1 5
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i. BASIC WRITING
I have a few issues with the flow of your writing that I'd like to mention. For one, why does he call Emma 'his girlfriend' to us even though we know her name? It feels forced. Second, you re-explain numerous concepts to us over and over. The storytelling, especially in the first chapter, needs to be reorganized. If you want to go the academic route, make an outline for yourself with the chronological order you would like to present the information in. That brings me to my next point: you have an info-dumping problem. We get so much information told to us in the first chapter, and it's all told at once. You might want to look into the concept of 'show, don't tell'. It would greatly benefit your storytelling. Introduce that information when it feels natural, not when it's convenient or easy.
ii. TRANSITIONS
Why was there a timeskip in the first chapter? I thought it was a little odd and messed with flow. I'd get rid of that. That was the only transitional issue I found.
