Noorur-rahman

For The Very First Time

Abbah along with his visitor have hurt her greatly, he tore her apart in a matter of minutes, all that facade she has been building up for years has fell flat on her face.

She still remain in the restroom after she threw up. With her heart stuck in her throat, she doesn't know whether to cry or to just be Noorur-rahman, the girl she lived in PIC, the girl without fear of being caught, the strong girl that hide behind her seventeen years old body. For her age, Noor believe to have endure a lot. Why does she have to put up with the same thing over and over again?

Everything started when her good for nothing birth mother decided to leave without looking back. Noor has always wonder what her fault was, that the woman who bores her decided to leave her. It's because she is selfish and never cares about you, her inner voice in form of Hajiya Atika's voice will always say.

"Noor, I know you don't know me. But I know you since you're a baby. And then we haven't met for a long time now. But I believe, now is the right time for us to meet. I'm your uncle." He'd said shamelessly, "your mother is my younger sister." The irony of her life, when he mentioned that, the only person that came to her mind was Salima. The person she'd once considered her mother. But Salima never had an older brother, she's the first child of her parents. Beside she can still remember Salima's siblings and the huge man wasn't one of them.

Her heart has hammered in anxiety all day as she remained locked in her room, her abbah has come multiple of times to see whether has open the door.

.......

"Noorie, if you don't open the door now, I will assume something bad has happened to you and will break the door." That's abbah again after magrib salah, he branched there from the mosque.

Not more than a minute later, he heard a click on the door lock. He sighed, relieved. It's been a long and uneasy day. Abbah pushed the door knob and there his angel comes into view, looking nothing like herself. She appeared fatigued, abbah noticed she's barely managing to remain on her two feet.

"Subhanallah, Noor!" He caught her by the shoulders right when she was ready to come in contact with the hard floor, and his tightened. What's that all about? He wondered.

Abbah get her settled in her bed before he himself got down to get her something to for eat. She haven't eaten all day, and he remember how she played with her breakfast that morning, as usual.

He came back almost too quickly for someone that prepared a tray. He brought her a bowl of watermelon, a bottle of water and a bowl chicken pepper soup, which his wife had made earlier. He place the tray on her bedside cabinet and open the bottle of water for her.

He doesn't need to asked to know that she didn't like what happened that morning. Noor sips the water from his hand, when he was sure she has drank enough, he put the lid back on the bottle and returned it to the tray.

"You're giving up me," Noor mumbles and he heard her, while he try to feed her the watermelon.

"You're mistaken, no one is giving up on anyone, Noorie. Stop thinking like that."

"You want me to leave, abbah." Her voice were hoarse yet quite low.

"No, I will never do that. No one give up on their child, Noorur-rahman." He reprimanded, still trying to get to eat.

"She did, abbah." For first time in their lives, they're going to talk about her. And it's so disheartening with Noor's condition.

"Ain't you curious to know who she is? I mean she's your mother after all." Abbah put it nicely, in hope that his daughter will understand where he is coming from. But the look in her eyes told him, he can only try, but she isn't ready to accept it. She doesn't want.

"No, not anymore. As a little girl, I was. But now, please I don't want to know. I hate to know, abbah." A tear roll down her cheek as she look at her dear father's face, she wanted to be calm and compose. But the tornados building inside her is raging again. It will soon break loose, for her abbah to see what a mess she really is.

"I have already experienced being given up on, why do I have to go through that again. She abandoned me, I don't even know the warmth of her arms. Isn't that enough reason for me to decide, Abbah?" And she broke into a gut-wrenching sobs that tore through his chest and he couldn't do more than encircling her shoulders in his arms. He wish he could shoulder her pain. "I don't want to know, abbah!" She continued in between her cries.

Abbah knew his daughter have had her insecurities, but the fact that it's still there, is new to him. He knew she was hurt at some point, yet what he didn't know of , was the anger. The anger he's just seeing in her every gesture now. The anger she's toward her mother, the hatred. How could he not have seen that? She's his daughter of seventeen years. Only if he knew she's hiding a lot more than that.

"Nothing is ever working for me, abbah!" She pulled out of his arms. "Whenever I'm happy, something bad end up happening. She's the reason for all my misfortunes. I hate her! And I don't even feel bad about it." And that's the last blow that left him perhaps, more than terrified. What he really fears is happening, or rather, already happened.

"It hurt because you didn't asked me if I want to meet her, it hurt because you're giving them a chance over me. Abbah, she still doesn't want me, I don't want her too." And there she is, like the eight years vision her.

"Shhhh, it's okay, my love. No one is forcing you to do anything. I will have listen to you, without you going through this, my baby girl. Abbah is always and will always have your back, no matter what."

To him Noor is just a baby, too small to carry the feeling of hatred with that much intensity. Although, he can't keep lying to himself, deep down he knew Noor will be that kind of person. Nevertheless, she's still a very young wounded lady with a shattered dream of having a mother. That's her biggest childhood dream. Something he had messed for her.

He's failed as a father! He'd made a mistake with her too, he shouldn't have try to replace her mother's love with someone else, who end up shattering every bit of it. Or rather, he should have put his anger aside and let Noor met with her mother since she was little.

It's all his fault, he shouldn't have let Nafisa left Noor at that age. But what could he have done, she threatened to never let him see his daughter again. And never from his part, have he try to prevent Nafisa from meeting her daughter, but she does it anyway and hurt him severely. She hated him that much to abandoned their child. "I'm sorry, my dear." He continue patting her back.

How could he have failed so miserably? Ever since he first held Noor in his hand, for the very first time, he knew it's his duty, right and responsibility to always be there for her, all he ever do since then was for her. To have a better life than he had. But then, she have been detached from her birth mother, never heard of anything about her, at least not from him. And all of the sudden she's being exposed to that.

Noor was right, he agreed. She should be the one to decide when she's ready. In spite of that, she can't change the fact about her mother.

Abbah fed his daughter, made her pray and put her to sleep like she's a baby. Noor could have relaxed knowing her abbah is with her. Yet, the weight of that day still housed in her chest.

.......

Assalamu alaikum my beautiful people!

It had been a while, but here I am dropping one of those goodies for you. I will soon have time to wrap this book up, In sha Allah. So just bear with me.

Don't forget to vote, comment and share😍

And say a word or two about Noor.

Do pray for me please, I'm writing exams.

Bye bye